22 Short Films About Football
Hello everyone! New subscribers, welcome, old subscribers, thank you for still being here <3
This issue of TWUTAB straddles the international break so guess what? It’s concept edition time again! I had so much fun writing the Seven Deadly Sins issue that I thought I’d do it again. This time we’re delving into the Millennial (even though I’m Gen X) cliche of making Simpsons references with 21 short pieces about the goings on of the past week. Enjoy!
Conte
We start at the end. An end. After a week, if not months, of speculation, Spurs have finally parted ways with Antonio Conte. They tried to slide the news out quietly on Sunday evening at 10:20pm. He leaves Spurs in the disastrous position of fourth in the table but with an unhappy and disjointed dressing room.
I’ll miss him. His exasperation, his extreme vocal fry, his luxurious hair. One thing we’ll always have though is the memes. Hold them close.
Foden
FADE IN:
INT. ENGLAND CAMP, PHIL’S ROOM — LATE EVENING
Phil Foden is in bed, writhing in agony. Jack Grealish and John Stones stand over him, frowning.
PHIL
This doesn’t feel great fellas, think it’s the end
JACK
Give over bab, it’s probably wind
JOHN
Yeah come on lad, you’ll be alright
PHIL
Don’t think so, I’m dying
JACK
(dramatically)
Get H
CUT TO:
THE END
Mikel Arteta
He’s already been a Thirst Trap entry but as it was Mikel’s birthday yesterday let’s take a look at a few of his greatest thirsty hits.
Pure Top Gun vibes
The eyelashes, the earring, the intense stare
Dat ass
Ben Foster
Podcaster and drunkard Ben Foster came out of retirement this week to sign for non-league high-flyers and Hollywood starlets Wrexham AFC. He kept a clean sheet on his debut, a 3-0 win for the red dragons a mere 17, nearly 18 years after he first player for them
Italy v. England
England beat Italy 2-1 in the Diego Armando Maradona Stadium, winning on Italian soil for the first time since the 60s. It was a good game too.
Luke Hearts Bukayo 4 Ever
My fave England pair. I love them.
France v Netherlands
France, with Mbappé as captain and Greizmann arriving with flouro pink hair, took on the Netherlands, with Koeman back at the helm. Within minutes the pink cueball had scored, and it only got worse from there.
France v Netherlands - Cillessen
Cillessen, seemingly forgetting that goalkeepers are allowed to catch the ball fumbled it for the second goal and allowed Upamecano to bundle it home. Yes, I’m sorry Dutch fans, this is the section where we point and go Ha! Ha!
France v Netherlands - Memphis
Poor Memphis. You could tell what was going to happen. The vibes were off and, well.
Kazakhstan v Denmark
ASTANA ARENA, 73 MINUTES INTO THE GAME. A PENALTY HAS BEEN AWARDED TO KAZAKHSTAN
Danish Football Fans: KASPERRRRRR!!!
Hjulmand: The Fans! I was just...uh---just stretching my calves on the windowsill. Isometric exercise! Care to join me?
Danish Football Fans: Why is there smoke coming out of your team, Kasper?
Hjulmand: Uh... ooh! That isn't smoke, it's steam! Steam from how much they’ve all been running around.
[The penalty is scored by Zaynutdinov. Play resumes. 13 minutes later Tagybergen scores a worldie to equalise the match:]
Hjulmand: Fans, I hope you're ready for some mouthwatering play to save this game!
Danish Football Fans: I thought we were winning?
Hjulmand: Oh no, I said 'drawing'. That's what I call winning.
Danish Football Fans: You call winning 'drawing'?
Hjulmand: Yes! It's a regional dialect.
Danish Football Fans: Uh-huh. Uh, what region?
Hjulmand: Uh...upstate Copenhagen.
Danish Football Fans: Really? Well I'm from Bispebjerg and I've never heard anyone use the phrase 'drawing'.
Hjulmand: Oh, not in Bispebjerg, no. It's a Brønshøj-Husum expression.
Danish Football Fans: I see.
[Danish Football Fans watch the game a little longer, while Hjulmand sips his drink.]
Danish Football Fans: You know, this game is quite similar to the ones we played at the World Cup.
Hjulmand: Hohoho, no! Patented Hjulmand Ball. Old family recipe!
Danish Football Fans: For draws?
Hjulmand: Yes.
Danish Football Fans: Yes, and you call them draws, despite the fact they are obviously losses.
Hjulmand: Y- Uh.. you know, the... One thing I should... excuse me for one second.
Danish Football Fans: Of course.
[Hjulmand enters and leaves the kitchen swiftly upon seeing it is now on fire as the third goal goes in]
Hjulmand: [yawns] Well, that was wonderful. A good time was had by all. I'm pooped.
Danish Football Fans: Yes, I should be--good lord, what is happening in there?!
Hjulmand: A win?
Danish Football Fans: Ah- winning?! At this time of year, at this time of day, in this part of the country, localized entirely within the Astana Stadium?!
Hjulmand: Yes.
Danish Football Fans: ...May I see it?
Hjulmand: ...No.
Kazakhstan v Denmark - First Aid
We’ve got a game to win, there’s no time for your nonsense!
Manchester City v Chelsea
To stick, no pun intended, with the theme, I think we can safely say that City v. Chelsea in the WSL is the Lisa Has Gum In Her Hair section of this newsletter. It didn’t matter what Chelsea did, they just couldn’t get rid of City and succumbed twice, losing 2-0 via goals from Angeldahl and Hemp.
Yes that’s a laboured comparison but this win has blown the title race wide open, with four teams all vying for the coveted top spot. Arsenal and Chelsea currently have a game in hand each but should Arsenal win that and Chelsea draw, all four teams at the top would be on equal points. Of course if Chelsea win they’d be two points clear but you can’t predict anything this season so don’t take your eyes off it!
North London Is Red
Elsewhere, Arsenal thumped Spurs 1-5 with goals from Blackstenius, Little, Maanum and a brace from Foord. Every goal, even the Little penalty, was a beautiful thing.
Arsenal men and women have now done the double, the double double if you will, over Spurs this season making it very clear that North London is, indeed, red.
Las Leyandas del Liverpool
Liverpool legends played Celtic legends at Anfield on Saturday. Liverpool won, of course, Stevie G got a lot of shit from the Celtic fans, of course, and the post match with Chelcee Grimes and Iain Stirling was an horrific cringefest, of course. But most importantly: Mark Gonzalez and Martin Škrtel
Don’t Cry For Me Argentina
On Friday, Argentina played Panama at the Estadio Mâs Monumental in Buenos Aires. A World Cup homecoming, the chance to celebrate properly with the fans. It was quite something. Messi cried, Scaloni cried, Emi Martinez cried. Argentina won 2-0 despite Messi be tackled from both sides at the same time by two Panama players that left him with a scuffed and bleeding knee and the celebrations continued.
Oh What A Circus
Then of course there was the after party. Otamendi helpfully uploaded a number of videos from the evening which, I’m sorry to report, will probably give you the ick. Though nothing is as icky as Leandro Paredes’s shirt here. Every time I see it it gets worse.
Auf Wiedersehen, Pet
Not only did we lose Conte from the management pool this past week, via a sneaky late evening announcement, we also lost fashion favourite Julian Nagelsmann from Bayern. Via a sneaky late night announcement.
Going from rumour to fact in less than an hour, Nagelsmann was dumped due, on the surface at least, to Bayern having the kind of appalling season that means they’re second in the Bundesliga by one point and still in the Champions League.
Bayern have now appointed Thomas Tuchel in time for Der Klassiker on Saturday which could end up being a title decider…
Lil’ Bitch
Needs more Bernardo Silva but otherwise this is perfection
Jamaica Did This
Bukayo Saka is HIM
And finally
Oh, I’ve been told we don’t have time to talk about this, so until next week when we return to the usual format (thank god! I hear you cry; yes, I definitely wilded out with this concept, forgive me) have a good one x
It's funny you mention Antonio Conte's hair... in his later days as a player he was famously balding, which reminds me of one of my fav footy banners, when the Fiorentina fans hosted Juve while he was coaching them and someone threw up on a sheet the simple message "Conte hai visto per caso un gatto marrone?" (i.e. "Conte have you perchance seen a brown cat?") implying he was wearing it on his head
I'm actually not sure what he did, I always assumed it was a hairpiece or a wig but it does look more natural of late so maybe he's had a serum work for him. not that it's any of my business outside of the bants, and I never understood the whole "fear of being bald" stuff from men to begin with lol