Alexander Isak Ruined This Week's Title

aka Seven Goals for Seven Others aka North London is Pink

Kick Off

It’s going to be Premier League heavy this week as I haven’t really watched anything else, except the Madrid derby, so let’s start there and then take a swish around Europe like a monied 20 year old fop in 1820.

The first Madrid derby of the season took place in the Wanda Metropolitano on Sunday evening. Madrid have been pretty decent so far this season, Jude Bellingham especially has been flying, and they were unbeaten, but they were also without Vini Jr for the game.

Atleti have been OK, a draw, a loss, a couple of wins and a game postponed due to weather.

And so the game kicked off with the wind blowing favourably in Real’s direction (metaphorically) only for the most confusing of players, Alvaro Morata, to put Atleti ahead after just four minutes. This was followed by a Greizmann strike after 18.

After 36 minutes Toni Kroos got one back with a goal that was not only gorgeous but made the most delicious sound when it hit the back of the net, would highly recommend seeking out the highlights and turning up the volume.

Atleti however remained all over Real and managed to completely nullify Jude who at points I forgot was even playing. They came out roaring in the second half too with another Morata goal after just one minute.

3-1 was how the game ended, Real’s first defeat of the season and one which kept them in third, with Girona of all people second and Barcelona top after their last minute win against Celta Vigo on Saturday afternoon. Atleti are fifth with a game in hand.

Over in France and Ligue 1, well, there’s only one thing to say here:

It’s so beautiful 🥲

In Germany it’s back to business as usual as Bayen top the table on goal difference after their 7-0 rout against Bochum, which included a Harry Kane hattrick.

My guys Dortmund scraped a 1-0 win against Wolfsburg thanks to Marco Reus but still languish in 6th. Leverkusen’s form remains as they beat Heidenheim 4-1 but poor hipster darlings Union Berlin are having a tough season and sit in 10th. One of my other fave German sides, Köln, have had an even worse start to the season and are currently in the relegation playoff spot.

Finally then, Serie A. The table is topped by the Milans with Lecce still keeping the pace in 3rd, and Juve snapping at their heels. The Scudetto defenders, Napoli, are struggling and sit in 7th. Speculation is rife that their manager isn’t long for this world (*his position). Also struggling are Roma, who, despite spanking Empoli 7-0, bumped back to Earth this weekend with a 1-1 draw with Torino, giving away a goal in the last five minutes.

So then, the Premier League. It was a weird weekend. Due to European games most of the, let’s say, Big Ticket games were on Sunday. On their day you know that any club can provide an entertaining and exciting performance but on paper the split of games definitely favoured Sunday and so it panned out.

There was no early game on Saturday and only three 3pm kick offs, of which two were drawn, with the most notable thing being Luton picking up their first point of the season.

City won.

And yes, saying that is a bit and a bit I intend to keep up for as long as they keep doing it, but I can’t leave it at that this week because I have to mention that someone who is another bit in my life* got sent off for basically throttling Morgan Gibbs-White.

*I really don’t like him, but maybe not as little as I make out, however it’s become a thing now that whenever he scores I tweet ‘not him!”

The two evening games were fine I guess. Everton beat Brentford soundly, with Dominic Calvert-Lewin dedicating his goal to his new baby girl which was lovely. Poor Brentford though, they’re in the mire this season which is a shame because I rate Thomas Frank so much. He was fantastic on Monday Night Football last week.

Then in the late kick off United played Burnley at Turf Moor in which TNT demonstrated how much they’ve fucked up their coverage since taking over from BT. How it can be so bad when it’s all the same people I don’t know but the new ‘roving reporter’ role Jules Breach has been given is just awful (she deserves much more) and what feels like an attempt to get more ‘among it’ is embarrassing.

Anyway, my beef with TNT aside, it was a really terrible game. Sorry to the fans but I drifted off a few times and it felt like wading through treacle. Still, United got their much wanted win and are now… 9th.

On Sunday proceedings began with the North London Derby which I hope fucked with your sense of time as much as it did mine, the NLD is not a 2pm on Sunday game! It’s either 12:30pm on a Saturday or 4:30pm on Sunday!

But at 2pm on Sunday it was and it was, mostly, a decent game. As is to be expected there is an enormous amount of headloss on Arsenal Twitter right now, given that we gave the lead away twice and I think some of the comments are fair. The team lost their discipline after half an hour, Mikel made some poor subs, injuries aren’t helping us at all and an experienced player made an unfortunate mistake (which could have happened to anyone). At the end of the day though, we could have thrown it away completely and we didn’t and while I will always want to win every game, I’ll take a draw.

What was delicious however was Bukayo Saka doing James Maddison’s darts celebration after the first goal. Fuck what Maddison said after, he’s a tedious little Colin Hunt who I’ve never liked (genuinely this isn’t a Spurs thing, I think he’s dreadful), it was just nice to see a bit of bite coming from Saka.

Despite the stress of the game as someone who was invested, I appreciate it was a great game for neutrals and we all thought there was no way that Sheffield United Newcastle could provide anywhere near as much entertainment.

And in some ways it didn’t. It was a thrilling game (unless you’re a Newcastle fan, I accept that!) but it was one you couldn’t take your eyes off. Eight goals. Eight different scorers. A 3/4 empty stadium after 50 minutes. A woman in the crowd reading a book.

What will happen to Paul Heckingbottom now? Is he going to be the first casualty of the season? We’re coming up for October and still no-one has been sacked, it’s late, it’s due!

Before we go I should also mention that there were a number of other 2pm KOs on Sunday. First off at Anfield, Liverpool beat West Ham 3-1 with goals from Salah, Jota and of course, everyone’s favourite himbo, Darwin. On the South Coast Brighton went a goal behind to Bournemouth but brought it back to also win 3-1 with a brace from Mitoma. Finally in West London, Chelsea lost again, going down 0-1 to Aston Villa as well has having Malo Gusto sent off and losing Nico Jackson for a game after he received his fifth yellow of the season.

We’ve spoken about Paul Heckingbottom’s neck being on the line but what about Pochettino? Chelsea have notoriously little patience, and they’re 14th, but is this the time they find some and rely on Poch’s lemons? (I was not aware of this, it’s incredible)

Half Time

For once, there is very little to write about here. We’ve had a mercifully quiet week on the Issues front, unless I’ve missed something. Not saying there’s been nothing but it certainly hasn’t felt like the relentless parade of horrors we were dealing with at the beginning of the season.

So instead, here’s a little section of resources for you for the upcoming start to the WSL next Sunday. I expect I’ll touch on it occasionally but for the real meat and potatoes these are the people you need to be following/reading/listening to.

We start of course with Counter Pressed, the women’s football podcast from Flo Lloyd Hughes, Jessy Parker-Humphreys and Becky Taylor-Gill with ex-pro regulars Gilly Flaherty and Kate Longhurst.

Flo and Jessy also write and broadcast regularly on the game elsewhere so do follow them on Twitter and sign up to Jessy’s newsletter, Flying Geese. Becky meanwhile runs Studs, an instagram account that mainly posts memes and fun content but also deals with the issues in the game today. Premier Lasses also do similar work.

Sophie Lawson is one of the best resources of the lesser talked about European leagues as well as the bigger ones and of course the WSL. I don’t know how she does it, constantly jetting around and watching games; I would like her air miles though!

Nancy Gillen has just launched a women’s sports newsletters which you can subscribe to here.

For an Arsenal perspective there’s Tim Stillman.

Alex Ibaceta works across print and broadcast media and is excellent on the goings on with the Spain National Team.

I will no doubt have missed many many great people but the guys above are a great starting point and you can go from there if it’s of interest. The games are broadcast on the BBC, Sky and the FA Player, starting on Sunday on BBC Two with Aston Villa v. Manchester United at 12:30 on Sunday.

Full Time

Maximum respect to this queen at the Sheffield United game

He is chaos, he is ball, he is Darwin.

I love the Footy Scran account and this is one of the best value and most delicious looking items they’ve had in a while. A great big hunk of meat between some bread? Yes bitch, Henry VIII me up!

Click through here to see not only Jurgen Klopp stroking Gravenberch’s beard but the pleased face Ryan does after. Lovely stuff.

I have zero idea what Chelsea were thinking of with this heinous piece of well, I hesitate to even call it graphic design because eeesh. Even my love Enzo can’t save it.

Don’t tell me that Daniel Farke doing this isn’t hot as fuck

Finally, this is adorable from Turkish club Samsunspor

Shirt of the Week

A controversial one this week I fear. I’ve seen a lot of dissent on the timeline about this shirt but I love it.

It’s AC Milan’s third shirt and it’s beautiful.

It’s not really like any shirt I can recall, certainly not one in the past few years and that’s only part of its selling point. Maybe it’s a bit 90s (take note Chelsea), a bit Global Hypercolor, but I don’t care, I’m a child of the 90s! (well, a teen). And the colours are so pretty. Haters be damned, it’s great.

Sticking with pink I also have to give a massive shout out to Jules Kounde for this 10/10 fit before the game on Saturday. He’s wearing a custom embroidered limited edition Japan shirt and fuck, it’s such a good look.

Thirst Trap

We love a tall Dutchman here at TWUTAB Towers: Van Dijk, Gravenberch, Weghorst, Van de Ven to name a few, but this week we go to the North East to celebrate one of the scorers in the demolition of Sheffield United: Sven Botman.

There’s just something very sexy about Sven, yeah it’s his height (and the truth is, despite evidence to the contrary I don’t even have a specific thing for tall men), his breadth, his handsome face but it’s also, as it is with so many of the alumni of the Thirst Trap, his Thing. (Get your minds out of the gutter). We also love Vibes here at TWUTAB Towers (tbf you can keep your mind in the gutter for that one, because those too) and Sven just has that sexiness you can’t put your finger on or define.

And because it wouldn’t fit in the gallery but has to be included, one extra for you ⚾

️And there we are for another week. Lots of football again during the week with Serie A and La Liga playing midweek, the Carabao Cup and much more besides.

Have a great week friends and remember to spread the word and if you’re feeling flush or generous or want to flirt with me in a subtle way why not sign up for the paid option of TWUTAB for which you’ll get nothing but my undying love :)