Darwinism

Or, Survival of the Hottest

Kick Off

Because of the Bank Holiday this is late and we’ve all already discoursed ourselves silly I’m sure, so this will be a whistle stop tour around football this weekend

If you have a long memory, or indeed if you have a camera roll full of picture of footballers you’ve saved over various seasons, you’ll remember that at the beginning of last season, the very beginning, after the Community Shield, Liverpool fans, and others, were in their bag about Darwin. He was photoshopped holding Haaland in place of the giant fish he for some reason caught in pre-season. Haaland? Who the fuck is Haaland? It’s going to be all about Darwin.

Yeah so about that…

For the rest of the season, from his red card against Crystal Palace to his lack of goals he became a joke, especially as Haaland powered ahead breaking record after record after record.

On Sunday though he proved himself and showed us all why he was purchased.

The timeline, myself included of course, was screaming for the “agent of chaos” to be brought on. The motivations varied from thirst, to comedy, to shenanigans to perhaps genuinely thinking he could make a difference. Newcastle fans aside, he provided all of that and more.

After scoring two identikit goals to give Liverpool the lead and the eventual win I sent a prayer to the football gods that he would be interviewed after the match. My prayers were answered. With Alisson on translating duties he gave a considered and lengthy statement that made Alisson look on in despair, before rounding off by giving Patrick Davison what he asked for (a sentence in English) which he found the most hilarious thing in the world.

In all the excitement of Sunday’s game, the hotheadedness after Arsenal’s draw and of course the ongoing fuckery of the Rubiales incident, I had neglected to notice that Union Berlin are one again top of the Bundesliga.

Sure, there’s only been two games and we all saw what happened last year both here and in Germany itself when we thought at last, Dortmund were going to do it but it’s a statement to win two games and win them convincingly and start yet another season in a strong position. With the Champions League draw on Thursday Union are about to really hit the big time and they couldn’t deserve it more.

In Italy, Juventus appear to be Back, playing decent football and winning. Vlahovic and Chiesa are on form and they also have one of my favourite kits, and without the despicable Ronaldo (yes yes it’s been ages I know) and the shitty Bonucci maybe they’ll be a bit harder to hate this year.

My guys Milan have come out fighting too. With the highs of keeping Leão and signing RLC and the lows of losing Tonali (Toonali) and signing Pulisic I had no idea how things were going to pan out but they’ve been glorious. Theo and Olivier are in fine form and Tijjani Reijnders seems to have been a lovely midfield addition so far (and he’s cute af).

With Napoli and Inter also starting strong we may have a title race on our hands. I said it all last year and I’ll say it again, don’t sleep on Serie A! It’s the most exciting it’s been for a long time right now.

In Spain, Barcelona squeezed a victory out of a mad game against Villarreal, winning 3-4 while Atleti thumped Rayo 0-7 but, and I don’t wish to take Stadio’s words but I will, Real Madrid have just quietly been cooking, and sit atop La Liga as the only team with a 3/3 record. And we must, of course, mention Jude, who has made such a seamless transition to life in Spain I feel a bit like I dreamt him being at Dortmund.

I don’t really have a handle on what’s happening in France but a cursory glance at the table reveals that the first three games have left us in something of a topsy turvy situation with Brest and Strasbourg in the top six while PSG languish in eighth and Lens and Lyon are right near the foot of the table.

Last year we saw the Ls dominate, with at one point LOSC, Lyon, Lorient and Lens all sitting consecutIvely near the top of the table. Monaco are currently top of the pile, with Marseille second so perhaps we’ll see a surge from Metz and Montpellier soon? And in 24/25 it’ll be the turn of Nice and Nantes to thrive.

Half Time

When I started TWUTAB the intention was to have fun. I’d built a small but decent following on Twitter of people who also seemed to enjoy silly football jokes and tweets about how hot players are. I was also becoming increasingly frustrated (embarrassed?) about not knowing a lot of the tactical and technical language. Perhaps I can marry these things, I thought, maybe I can put something together that’s fun and silly and where people might be able to learn something too. That was, if I can be cringe for a moment, my mission statement.

Unfortunately, within only a few months of starting it, football decided it was going to enter the most egregious period I can recall it having.

It started with Manchester United (re)signing Cristiano Ronaldo and hasn’t stopped since then. Of course this is not to say any of this happened overnight and hadn’t been present for years, but for me, that was the tipping point.

The thing is, I don’t want to talk about this. You don’t want to read about it. You really don’t want to read me keep saying you don’t want to read about it. It’s stressful and exhausting and really fucks with your head. But every week something new and awful happens that makes being a woman interested in or making a career out of football a really difficult thing to be.

You know what would be nice? To not have this section in the newsletter at all (and yes, I know, I could just cut it and keep my counsel). It would be nice to talk only about the latest shirt I love, how hot that player is, how exciting a team is or the latest ridiculous thing a pundit has said.

The trouble is, men keep doing this shit. They keep thinking they’re entitled to women in whatever way they want, be it a kiss on a global stage or sex in private. They twist everything until it becomes justified, until they become the victim. We see it in Rubiales’ speech and the subsequent actions of RFEF, we see it in Memphis Depay’s social media posts after the Mendy case concluded and the way players and those working in football rushed to support him and don’t we know that we see it every day in replies to posts about alleged and known abusers, or simply any woman who dares to make any comment whatsoever about the game. It’s toxic and it’s damaging to everyone.

It’s hard to know what to do. Men, of which I know there are plenty reading this, please speak or continue to speak up, it can’t be up to us to do everything. Don’t celebrate or excuse abusers, which is something I see all the time, that way their actions become forgotten or pushed to the side. Donate to charities that help victims (perhaps you might like to donate to my fundraiser for Women’s Aid). Use your platform, no matter how small, to keep people aware of this. Call out friends and family when they make inappropriate comments or defend abusers. I’m sorry if all this is obvious or patronising but I just so strongly feel that we need to keep going, to keep chip chip chipping away at the issue until it’s no longer an issue.

And that’s why this section will remain as it is for as long as the game continues to treat women like they don’t matter. For as long as racial abuse, homophobia and tragedy chanting is in the game I’ll be fighting against it and sharing resources we can use and contribute to to combat it.

And while we’re here, these two articles from the always on point Musa Okwonga and the ever astute Jessy Parker-Humphreys on the subject are excellent as is this ever evolving thread from Colin Millar. Alex Ibaceta has also been doing great work.

Full Time

For Manchester Pride weekend, Classic Football Shirts created this incredible flag from damaged football shirts.

My re-shattered reading this article by the great Seb Stafford-Bloor about my beloved Granit.

Four of Arsenal’s Lovely Boys were named in the PFA Team of the Year (in addition to Bukayo being named Young Player of the Year). Look how well they scrub up 🥲

Mo Salah decided to reclaim some Egyptain treasures from the British Museum on his day off.

The food at St Albans City FC looks incredible. Putting a hash brown in a burger will sell me every time.

Shirt of the Week

This week it’s the turn of Spurs to yet again confound us with the ever present Spurs dilemma “are they [it] good or are they [it] shit?” because honestly, what is this shirt? Is it a rather pleasant pinky beige that looks like the result of stirring up your ice cream when you have a slice of Neapolitan or is it a bit of a muddy grey that’s kinda but not enough similar to the Juventus shirt I love? As ever with Spurs, confusion reigns.

Thirst Trap

I’m lacking inspiration for new Thirst Traps at the moment. Next week we’ll go through some of the hottest transfers to have happened over the Summer after the window shuts on Friday, so until then I’m going to leave you with some recent pics of some of my faves, because if there’s one thing I love, it’s repetition 🙂

OH! And before I forget, let’s not skip over the deep, animal sexuality of Lionel Messi folding an Inter Miami shirt.

And that’s that for this week! No more Bank Holidays until Christmas so no more of me slacking off and using it as an excuse not to write a proper newsletter 😌

Until Monday then, adios! 👋🏼