Four Ones In My Life

Hello Friends. I started writing this last week, after, well, you know. Much has happened since then, SO much, but I’m going to leave in the stuff I already had so you can see my wild mood swings!

Kick Off

Well, it’s happened. We knew it was coming. We know the maths isn’t locked in yet. But it’s here. Arsenal are now in second place in the Premier League table.

It was an inevitability after three draws on the trot and then the defeat to who we may soon be calling the Champions Elect.

I can’t write about that game and I can’t write about their win at Fulham on Sunday. It’s dramatic but it’s too raw and it hurts too much. I know I’m being slightly ridiculous here but I want this newsletter to be real. I’m not a pundit paid to remain fair, I’ve not set this out as a bastion of impartiality. I’m a fan and I feel and feel deeply and while part of me is writing this and wanting to die [ed. now I’m feeling better I can confirm all of me is wanting to die reading this back], the other bit wants to be honest.

So yeah, full admiration to those who are managing to stay either positive or at least stable. I am not one of those! As if you didn’t know that already huh? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

All of which means we’re now going to talk about the rest of the games in this jam packed week of Premier League and what’s happening in Europe.

Starting in France, PSG fell to mid-table Lorient (they of the delicious orange jerseys) while Marseille beat Auxerre. It definitely doesn’t feel like a title race but it’s entirely possible that Marseille could do it with a favourable set of results. Especially with Messi out for two weeks and Hakimi suspended after being sent off early in the Lorient game.

At the bottom of the table Brest are in the relegation zone so I’ll be supporting them for the rest of the season as I cannot bear for us to lose the glory that is Nice Brest. Come on lads, you can do it!

In Germany, Dortmund stuttered to a draw with Bochum while of course Bayern beat strugglers Hertha Berlin to put them back on top of the Bundesliga. There’s still only a point in it and with four games left who knows what’s going to happen [Bayern will win it].

In Spain, Girona are having something of a purple patch, beating Real Madrid 4-2 last Tuesday with a quadtrick (four, he scored four goals) from former Thirst Trapee Taty Castellano. They then beat Sevilla on Monday 2-0 with Taty getting among the goals again.

Barcelona also came back to winning ways, dispatching easily with Betis on Saturday 4-0 before beating Osasuna 1-0 yesterday. The title, as we already knew, is all but theirs.

Speaking of being Champions Elect, Sunday saw Napoli on the brink of the Scudetta. After Inter beat Lazio in the early kick off, a win against Salernitana would secure the championship for the Azzurri.

For the longest time nothing happened. Nothing. And then on the 62nd minute Mathías Olivera scored. The Diego Maradona went wild. They were 28 minutes away from glory. Unfortunately Salernitana didn’t want to play that game and on the 84th minute Boulaye Dia scored to draw the game. Despite a concerted effort to get the win Napoli just couldn’t get over the line so now we wait until Thursday, against Udinese.

While I would be wanting to get my hands on the prize asap if it were my club, as someone without that desperation part of me wants Udinese to block them, simply so they can secure the title at home against Fiorentina. Either way, you know the celebrations are going to be wild.

Elsewhere Roma Milan was a tetchy little match that then went bonkers in time added on. First, Tammy Abraham scored on 90+4 to give Roma the lead. Then on 90+7 Alexis Saelemaekers brought the scores even. What is it with my teams and 90+7 goals this season?!

And so, having completed our whirlwind tour around Europe, we land back in England.

Before we go to the Premier League, let’s take a moment to bask in the glorious sunshine of the ultimately disappointing UWCL semi-final at the Emirates on Bank Holiday Monday.

It was a beautiful day. It started out grey and overcast but by the time we arrived at the stadium it was full blasting sun.

The stadium was sold out for the first time ever for a women’s game at the Emirates and the official attendance was 60,063 which is simply incredible.

The atmosphere was brilliant and the game was amazing. The gals fought so so hard to fight back from going 1-2 down after taking the lead via Stina early in the first half.

Steph Catley was absolutely on one, Captain Katie McCabe was not only doing Katie McCabe things but also covering every blade of grass, Rafaelle (my love!) was fantastic on the wing, Manu steppe the fuck up. I honestly can’t fault anyone. A last minute of extra time goal is a cruel way to go out but I was so proud of the team, the supporters and for anyone who was there, Sheila Morgan. What a great great Spring evening out.

This means we have a Barcelona Wolfsburg final. And honestly? I hope Barça smash them 🙂

And so we arrive at the Premier League! Let’s go in order over the weekend shall we?

Saturday… Selhurst Park… 12:45

We started the weekend with a delay. Due to an issue with their season ticket scanners, Palace West Ham was postponed for 15 minutes while they sorted it out.

Whether it was the delay, previous results, the sunshine or just one of those things, it was a fast and furious start to the game.

The scoring was opened by Souček after nine minutes, a reply from Ayew came after 15 and then five minutes later Zaha took Palace ahead. West Ham then crumbled and went down 3-1 after the 30th minute, thanks to Schlupp, only for Antonio to get one back after 35.

The second half was no less chaotic, though with fewer goals. Eze scored a penalty, softly given, after 66 minutes with Aguerd getting West Ham’s third after 72. There were some ropey decisions by the referee and David Moyes was furious afterwards. But Palace ran out winners in the end.

Saturday… AMEX Stadium… 15:00

Brighton. Everyone loves Brighton. They’re fun to watch. They have a never-ending supply of young talent, De Zerbi is great.

Everyone that is except Wolves fans.

You’ll all know by now that Brighton walloped Wolves 6-0 with a trio of braces from Undav, Gross and Welbeck. I’m still thinking about Enciso’s assist for the second. The pass is so so beautiful. In fact, why not just watch all six goals. You’ll have a lovely time I promise.

Sunday… Anfield… 16:30

16:33 Goal. Curtis Jones

16:35 Goal. Luis Diaz

16:45 Goal. Mo Salah

It was happening again. Just one week later and we all had deja vu. Spurs wouldn’t, would they?

Well, no actually. This time Harry Kane got one back before half time. This was followed by Sonny goal on the 77th minute.

Then Richarlison came on.

Then Richarlison scored at 90+3. Then he took his shirt off (please don’t look this up, his tattoos are beyond awful). Then he got booked. Then he did the pigeon celebration with Sonny.

And then Jota ran down the pitch and won it for Liverpool at 90+4.

Sunday also saw three untelevised (in the UK) games. United beat Villa 1-0, Newcastle came back from behind against Southampton to win 3-1 and Bournemouth thumped poor, poor Leeds 4-1.

Speaking of Leeds, after just four games Javi Gracia is a goner and we welcome back one of the greats of the Premier League era. A pint of wine please barkeep, I want to toast the return of Mr Sam “Big Sam” Allardyce!

As many have pointed out the scriptwriters of Premier League 22/23 really are keeping us going with the comedy, the drama and the tension right up to the last game of the season.

Finally, we have two more games to talk about.

On Monday Everton traveled to Leicester in a crucial bottom of the table clash. Having been at the Arsenal UWCL game I didn’t see much of this but I did get to see Alex Iwobi’s goal which I enjoyed greatly. The game ended 2-2 which brought Leicester out of the relegation zone but moved Everton not one jot. They’re in trouble, deep trouble but it’s still so tight down there who knows what’s going to actually happen.

Finally then, we circle back to Arsenal and experience the whiplash of emotion that football brings. In contrast to what I wrote up there today my skin is clear, my hair is glossy, my sinuses are unblocked, I’m carefree and in my lane. Yes. Arsenal won.

Last night (Tuesday) we played Chelsea at the Emirates. As always I was nervous. I saw the teamsheet and I was nervous. Kiwior? No Martinell? Trossard and Jorgi starting? Then I saw Chelsea’s. Aubameyang starting? Auba? The same Auba who did nothing the last time we played them and got laughed off the pitch? OK Frank, OK.

The game started and we made it through the first minute, a moment of peak nervousness for me these days, and while I dared not speak it at the time, Chelsea were bad. So so bad. Loose passes (sure, we were victims of that too), unable to get the second ball, passivity. They had nothing.

Despite that though it felt like an age until we scored, yet it was only 18 minutes in. A delicious pass from the delicious Xhaka and captain Ø thwacked the ball into the net, with a glorious bounce off the crossbar.

Thirteen minutes later we did it again. Same move, same goal.

Then just three minutes after that a calamitous goal mouth scramble led to our third and a hattrick of assists for Granit Xhaka

The second half was sloppier from Arsenal. But Chelsea were even worse, even after hooking Auba following his first half of eight touches (four from kick offs). They were lucky we dropped off and it was flattering that they got a goal back. However Madueke was by far their best player and he, out of anyone, deserved a goal. From my perspective though, a clean sheet would have been nicer!

(Oh and as an aside, fuck the ‘fan’ who shone a laser in Mudryk’s face, grow up.)

And that was how it ended, 3-1. We’re back at the top of the table (probably not by the time many of you read this) and hopefully have our momentum back because some of our play felt and looked sublime. Is it still on? Probably not but all we can do is wait for the maths…

Half Time

It’s nearly the end of the season. Whoever you support, whatever the situation you find yourself in, take a moment. Breathe. Appreciate your surroundings 🧘🏻‍♀️

Soon it will be done.

Full Time

Yeah, there’s a lot of Lampard content this week but what do you expect?

First though, let’s start with some lovely news. Spanish goalkeeper Alberto Lejaragga, who plays for lower league Marbella FC, came out after his team secured promotion. Congratulations Alberto!

You know how much I love Enzo, well this nearly ended me 🫠 Come for Enzo, stay for Azpi doing an English accent…

The wonderful FootyScran account posted a thread of vegan offerings at various grounds and let me tell you I (not a vegan) would smash all of them, but especially Brentford’s tomato/garlic sausage and tofu scramble bap with hash browns 🤤

Prior to the announcement he’s going to be out for the rest of the season, Thiago had a kickabout with the mascots prior to Liverpool’s game with West Ham last week.

Yeah this should probably be in the Thirst section but I did a ranking of the Premier League teams according to Hotness. The winner has not been disputed but second place very much has. I stand by it! Check it out for yourself here.

Mason Mount underwent surgery for some kind of pelvic situation (stop it) last week and posted this picture afterwards. The replies and QTs suggest this is a sign he’s going to Liverpool…

Tottenham played Manchester United on Thursday

Scenes in the NWSL. I find this so bonkers, we all know what can happen in the second half of a game.

Sorry to inflict his face on you but this tweet from Bromley (whose shirt he’s been photoshopped into there) is fantastic.

Wrexham’s Paul Mullin is in GQ this month, looking great and explaining his Fuck The Tories boots

And now we move on to the traditional Lampard Slander Section 😌

Shirt of the Week

With apologies to Napoli fans, this week’s shirt(s) of the week belongs to Salernitana. Italy has a nice line in maroon teams (Roma, Torino, Salernitana), all of whom have great shirts, but Salernitana pip it because of their badge. It’s a fucking SEAHORSE. I’ve tweeted about this before but can I just reiterate here that IT’S A SEAHORSE. I love it so much. Look at it! The design, the colours. Yes.

Also their shirts are cool. The main shirt is just a nice maroon with a nice bit of striped gradient, but the away with the multi coloured stripes is really lovely.

Thirst Trap

I’m afraid that I had to go back to my boys for a Thirst Trap this week. I adore them so much but this week I’ve got with our warrior, our pillar in central defence. The battler on the pitch and the soft babydaddy off it.

Yes it’s Gabriel “Big Gabi” Magalhães.

It doesn’t take any kind of special football brain to know he’s brilliant but when you see him in the flesh you realise just how good he is. But this is the Thirst Trap section. Look at that smile. Look at his passion. Look how soft he is with his daughter. He’s just lovely all round.