Goals, Goals, Goals
Goals I do adore
Kick Off
Well. That was certainly a weekend of football.
Starting in France, ehhh, PSG are 13 points clear so I think we can write off the rest of the Ligue 1 season but we have almost achieved something:
In Spain, Girona are six points shy of Real, despite Real drawing 1-1 with Rayo Vallecano, although they play Athletic Club tonight so that could be three by 10pm. They do however have this great flag for International Day against homophobia in Sport.
Inter are now nine points clear in Serie A and stupid stupid Milan lost 4-2 to Monza having come back from 2-0 down to spunk the lead in stoppage time.
Now let’s move to Northern Europe where things are more interesting. We’ll come to the Premier League last so first, let’s swing by Bochum, just outside of Dortmund, in the North West of Germany.
Oh, but first, for context, let me tell you that Leverkusen, currently top of the Bundesliga, beat Heidenheim on Saturday. There was a shaky moment when Heidenheim got one back on the 86th minute but Leverkusen did it. And they did it in this lovely kit.
Also as a quick aside, stupid Dortmund drew with Wolfsburg, but we won’t dwell on them.
So back to where I promised, a rainy North West Germany on a late Sunday afternoon. After a rocky midweek game in the Champions League where they lost 1-0 to Lazio, currently sitting 8th in Serie A, and had Dayot Upamecano sent off, this was their chance to win a game against a team who were (if my maths is correct), at the start of the match, in 15th.
The start was promising, Jamal Musiala putting them ahead after 14 minutes. Perhaps a chance for the fans to relax and Tuchel and extend his stay of execution.
Alas! Within six minutes, just before half time, (well, I say just, the game was of course interrupted by protests as so many games in Germany have been recently and had 14 minutes of stoppage time) Bochum scored two goals to go ahead.
On 78 minutes Bochum were awarded a penalty and for the second game in a row, Upamecano was Upamecanoff. The penalty was put away with ease by Kevin Stöger.
A glimmer of hope came when Harry Kane ended his dry spell and scored on the 87th minute but even with 16 minutes stoppage time (more protests) they couldnt get past Bochum goalie Manuel Riemann who put in a barnstorming performance.
The result leaves Leverkusen ahead by eight points and Bayern in a rare slump of form and internal turmoil.
And I have to say it, but one of the funniest aspects of this is not only that Harry Kane left Spurs to win trophies and probably won’t win anything, but that the strong likelihood is that former Arsenal player, my beloved Granit Xhaka, will.
And on that note, the Premier League!
It started with a reasonable enough game between Brentford and Liverpool at 12:30 on Saturday. It was pretty much a given that Liverpool would win but what a treat Darwin’s opening goal was. He CHIPPED THE KEEPER! How often do I bang that drum? And he did it! The ended up 1-4 winners and retain their top stop in the table.
Skipping quickly to the evening game, it was a dark time in which both me (Arsenal) and my husband (Liverpool) were forced into supporting Chelsea and they so very nearly did it. It seemed nailed on that City would dole out one of their customary spankings but after Raheem Sterling opened the scoring for the Blues it was a tight and ultimately frustrating game. Rodri equalised, but thankfully, for anyone not on the Blue side of Manchester or Liverpool I guess, it remained a stalemate.
At 3pm, Forest beat a beleaguered West Ham and Kalvin Phillips added to his and their woes by getting himself sent off. Elsewhere Fulham couldn’t get past Villa who won 1-2 and Newcastle scored a last minute equaliser to rescue a point against Bournemouth. In North London, Spurs couldn’t crack Wolves who went back to the Midlands with a win and a six pointer.
The other game on Saturday was of course Arsenal against Burnley. It’s always the ones that seem the easiest that you dread the most. Yeah I spend a long time wanting to vomit before United or Liverpool games and my nerves are shredded before the NLD but when a game is supposed to be ‘easy’ or ‘a banker’ that’s when the thought of tripping up is worse than ever.
So it was that I spent a lot of time going ‘NOPE!’ whenever my husband decided to comment on it being a free hit, not letting him finish his sentence, because you cannot do anything to curse these things. Say what you want after, but just before and during the game, no. I know it makes no difference really, but it feels like it does and that’s as important.
Anyway, as Dave likes to smugly point out to me whenever things go the way he said they would when I’ve been panicking, I didn’t need to worry. After just four minutes our beautiful captain, Martin Odegaard, put Arsenal ahead with a gorgeous strike (Martinelli booting the stray balloon is a lovely touch).
Then it was Saka’s turn; firstly, a penalty and again, breath held, though admittedly not quite so much this time as I was watching on a stream about 30 seconds or more delayed so by the time I saw it Merse had already confirmed on Soccer Saturday that it had been scored. The just after half time, he struck again, on his weaker foot, baffling the Burnley defender.
The fourth goal went to the on fire Trossard who picked up where Kai fumbled, slotting it into the net past James Trafford.
Kai didn’t want to miss out though and finalised the afternoon with a goal of his own to make it 0-5.
They also wore a really nice track jacket before the game 😮💨
The drama wasn’t over though as we had a clown show and Sheffield United v. Brighton.
I jest of course United fans, it was Sheffield United who put on the consummate clown show with a calamitous performance against Brighton.
It started just 11 minutes in when Mason Holgate made a horror tackle on Karou Mitoma and then did uwu-I-didn’t-do-anything eyes. It was originally slated as a yellow card but Michael Oliver on VAR had a word in Stuart Atwell’s each, which I suspect went something along the lines of ‘why aye Stuart pet, that wasn’t a yellow card tackle yah noo, I reckon youse should send tha lad packin’. No, I wasn’t in the room but you know that’s how it went down. And so it was that Holgate got his marching orders.
It took Brighton a further nine minutes to score which they quickly followed with a second, then were unable to take advantage of their extra man until Jack Robinson scored an own goal (see, clown car). The capitulation was set then and it ended with Brighton 0-5 winners. Sure, they’ve had a bigger loss this season, but I don’t think even a 0-8 drubbing was as comical as the performance yesterday.
Last but not least we go to Bedfordshire, such a nothing county of nothingness (with apologies, you know I’m right though) which was somehow blessed by the appearance of both Harry Styles and Ezra Koenig, I assume, you all said it was anyway.
After scoring within 37 seconds and then again after seven minutes it felt like game over, I know I switched the Bayern game on at that point, but then Luton scored and there was a glimmer, maybe they’d come back? Perhaps they could snatch a draw, or, maybe, a win… It was to be however but we did witness one of the most spectacular head losses when faced with an easy chance you’ll ever see when Garnacho failed to put the ball past Kaminski. It was an end to end, tetchy, breathless finish to the game but as they’ve been doing rather frequently lately, United ended up winners.
We have two ‘behind closed doors’ [not on TV] Premier League games this week, City playing their game in hand from when they went to the Club World Cup and then Liverpool playing the game they would have missed on Sunday for the Carabao. This means by Sunday evening all of the top three will have played the same number of matches. Have we, maybe, just maybe, got an actual title race on our hands this year?
Half Time
The celebration police have been out in force recently and *Carrie Bradshaw voice* I can’t help but wonder when it became so unseemly to have fun and enjoy football games? Now we’re not allowed to do anything; we can’t run up and down the touchline after a 90+7 winner, we can’t dick about with a camera and a non-playing colleague, we can’t take pictures in the dressing room after a win or parp our horn at supporters on our way home, we can’t laugh with our colleagues after we save ourselves from a loss, and we definitely can’t get ‘carried away’ and start to think… maybe?
Is is an English thing? Do we really love misery so much that we’ve decided happiness needs policing (this is rhetorical question but of course the answer is yes, yes it is). Week after week we see European clubs go over to the supporters after a win and whoop them up. Maybe Jurgen Klopp did invent the fistbump *look to camera* but you can bet he was influenced by everyone else in the Bundesliga.
And the thing is, no-one complains when teams lose, particularly when they lose away, and they collectively clap the travelling fans. That’s a good thing, that’s respectful. But when you win? Oh no, don’t you dare enjoy it, get right back down the tunnel and focus on the next game. So what if you’ll never experience this again, this is BUSINESS!
As I’ve tweeted previously, what a boring and tedious existence to only be allowed to enjoy trophies. To not be able to enjoy your team being fun to watch again, or winning against the odds, or even drawing and getting your first points in the Premier League. We all only get one life, the world around us is shit and there’s a strong possibility there are things in your specific world that aren’t great either, cling to the enjoyment, it’s all we’ve got.
Also, quickly, I know I’ve done Discourse but I want to insist you go and watch The Iron Claw at the cinema as soon as you can, it’s outstanding, thanks.
Full Time
Might have to start a ‘Burger Van’ section or something, but for now a round up of this week’s best Footie Scran.
We start at Farsley Celtic with Korean chicken and chips, go west to Preston North End for a beef brisket burger, go long haul to Mexico for these incredible looking tostadas at Alebrijes de Oaxaca then back to Europe for la mitraillette at Anderlecht
There was also a very enjoyable selection of food at the J League Super Cup this weekend, including collectible sweets.
I forgot to add this last week but it’s imperative you see Spurs Women and their biggest, or certainly, their floofiest, fan
Last week TNT premiered Rylan’s latest documentary, Football, Homophobia and Me and it’s so worth watching. Here’s a link, you might need to sign into Discovery to watch it, it went straight to the homepage when I clicked, and it looks like it’s on Apple TV in the US? That link might work here too I dunno ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I urge you to click through to this tweet for your very own ‘open for a surprise’, it’s absolutely worth it.
Does Gary Neville look hot here?
After a decision not going his way (correctly) Kyle Walker lost his shit, in the manner of a toddler having a tantrum, against Chelsea on Saturday
There was a weird cabal of pigeons at Brentford Liverpool and they just wouldn’t budge, tootling around on the pitch, flying in front of the cameras, all for free no less! Anyway, that’s the context for this tweet.
Hector Bellerin has spoken about his efforts to live sustainably and influence those around him in football. He is the best of us.
The end of this is a 10/10. I yelled.
Never not here for Antony slander (libel?)
A truly delightful stat from Sky
Camden and Islington United have boycott another fixture with MHFC
Leeds’s admin had some fun last week
Tsimi back in training and looking great
Club Shop
Yeah I’ve changed the name of this section again. For newer subscribers it was originally called Merch Stand and I probably should have stuck to that but a change is as good as a holiday or something. Anyway, the reason I changed it is because there was so much Content this week and I wanted to include it all. And ‘Drip of the Week’ was embarrassing me, I’m 45 years old ffs.
Right, let’s get started.
Firstly, let’s go west (for me anyway) to Bristol and City’s third kit. I only saw it yesterday on a post by the women’s team and boy it is lovely. I just love the robin badge so much. But wait! It’s also on the shorts!
On a similar aesthetic note, MLS shirts cames out this week. Now, sorry Americans, I couldn’t give two shits about MLS but I always give some shits about good shirts, and Austin’s Armadillo shirt is the pick of the bunch. It’s a lovely colour way and, as the name suggests, it’s got an Armadillo on it!
Shoutouts to Colorado Rapids for their checkerboard number, Columbus Crew for their Charlie Brown vibes, Portland Timbers for the trees and FC Dallas for being colourful and having a cool badge.
If you want to check out all the shirts, some good, some dreadful, they’re all linked here.
A short break from the shirts (though there are more to come) to show you one of my favourite things, a football club plush toy. You may remember the Fulham Yeti, which I received for Christmas (mine is called Alfie and I adore him) and there’s a strong possibility he may be joined by this guy who’s been doing the rounds on Twitter this weekend. FWIW Stegosaurus' are my favourite dinos.
Back to the shirts and AIK are celebrating 100 years in the Allsvenskan, the Swedish Premier League. They’re a team that give good shirt anyway but these are stunning. It’s so clean and striking 😚👌🏼
Finally, Club Deportivo Palestino in Chile has launched a shirt to show appreciation of the solidarity to the Palestinian cause that Celtic fans have always given and it’s fantastic. Worth checking out their Twitter too as all their shirts are wonderful.
Finally finally, that was just finally for shirts *cough* I love these custom Messi Sambas inspired by shirts he’s worn.
Thirst Trap
So… I know this is against everything I stand for but… there’s no Thirst Trap this week. Everyone I can think of has been done and quite frankly there’s no spare space in my brain right now for anyone except Paul Mescal. He lost his cool when he saw David Beckham at the BAFTAs last night if that counts?
Anyway, it’s my newsletter and middle aged teenagers are gonna middle aged teenage so enjoy.
It’s been a long one (and as I type this I haven’t even written a word of the main round up yet) so thank you for sticking with it until you got here. Sorry for suggesting Gary Neville might be hot (although…) and see you next week! <3
Thanks Emily, yet another great article. Always a joy to read 🙂