Goals, Goals, Goals, Goals, Goals I Do Adore
Goals, Goals, Goals, Goals, Goals I Do Adore
Before we start!
I've been alerted to this tweet which seems to sound the death knell of Revue. I'm therefore going to have to move platforms, yet again, so as a heads up I will obviously be migrating all of you over there too, it looks like it'll be Substack so this will be the last one on Revue.
Kick Off
I was going to start this week’s newsletter with a laboured redoing of Jay-Z’s Girls Girls Girls after I decided on the title, given the ridiculous amount of goals scored in both the Premier League and the WSL this weekend, but let’s face it, no-one wants that, do they? (Do they??) So instead, to the relief of all, I’ll be doing a bog standard round up of the week’s events.
Let us start then in Europe, where the groups in all the various strands of competition were decided.
In the Champions League, most of the 'shock' results were already decided. Barcelona were long for the Europa League play-off, while Atleti were decidedly awful and dropped out altogether. Perhaps the big shock of the evening was Benfica pipping PSG to the top spot in their group.
In the Europa League there were no real shocks. Arsenal topped their group with a win over FC Zurich while Man United couldn't quite get the required result and now go into the play offs in February.
And so we have the details of the group stage and play-off matches next year!
Starting with the UCL, well, it's looking preeetttyyy tasty imo.
The picks for me are definitely that middle section. Liverpool Madrid is dripping with narrative. Milan Tottenham for the Italian connection. Frankfurt Napoli for the noise, oh god the noise. Finally, Dortmund Chelsea for the Pulisic and Auba connection and my German lads to hopefully tonk them.
In the Europa League Playoffs we've also got some plum ties, including Barcelona v Manchester United, which made me shriek when it came out.
Ajax Union and Sevilla PSV could be a lot of fun too.
Despite the title of this week's edition, we're going to start in France where there were very few goals indeed. With the exception of Ajaccio Strasbourg (a 4-2 win for the Corsicans), no game offered more than three goals in total, with no-one scoring more than two.
PSG beat Lorient and are now starting to pull away at the top, with a lead of 5 points. Lens remain in second and the other Champions League spot, with Rennes, Monaco and Marseille not far behind.
Lower down in the table however, we had the best fixture of all the fixtures in Europe. Nice won, leaving poor Brest in the relegation zone, a meatier one this year as Ligue 1 reduces itself to 18 teams.
La Liga also failed to live up to the newsletter title but it did give us eight red cards. Three in Cadiz Getafe, one for Espanyol, one for La Real and in an extraordinary first three in El Gran Derbi with two for Betis and one for Sevilla.
The first half of that game also gave us an own goal to put Betis ahead, on for Nemanja Gutelj to equalise on the 81st minute with a glorious wonder-strike.
The big news of the weekend in Spain, however, was Gerard Pique's sudden retirement and his last game against Almeria on Saturday evening. He was made captain for the game and played the vast majority of what wasn't an especially thrilling match.
The send-off afterwards however was emotional, with Pique in tears and then being given the bumps. He was, literally and figuratively, a giant in the game, he achieved everything and had a career anyone would want to emulate.
Over in Italy, we had a top of the table clash which Napoli won via an Osimhen header and an Elmas winner, after going behind early in the match. Napoli now sit six points clear at the top of the table.
The other talking point, for me anyway, was the Milan Spezia match. Theo Hernandez put the Rossoneri ahead only for Daniel Maldini to break hearts and family ties with an equaliser after 59 minutes.
It had looked a lost cause until the man, the moment, Olivier Giroud took to the field and flicked home the winner on the 89th minute. Forgetting he had a yellow card he then wheeled away, ripping off his shirt (at which I rather unnecessarily loudly and aggressively yelled YESSSS) and was sent off for his troubles. Milan hung on into stoppage time however and now sit second in the table, albeit with a bit of work to do to catch Napoli.
To Germany then, where the title starts to make a little bit of sense. The Bundesliga gave us 32 goals over their 9 games this weekend, starting Gladbach beating Stuttgart 3-1 on Friday. Bayern had a scare on Saturday after going up 3-0 against Hertha, only for them to get two quick goals in return. They were unable to get the equaliser though which means Bayern are now top.
They're top because of a sudden collapse by Union. After going great guns for most of the season and sitting pretty at the top of the league, they faced a Leverkusen who were still struggling under Xabi Alonso but appear to have found their feet after drawing with Club Brugge in Europe during the week and who managed to fell Union by five goals to none.
What was better to see was that Dortmund won against Bochum with the kids yet again stepping up to the plate via a Reyna penalty and two Moukoko goals. May they remain healthy during the World Cup 🙏🏼
Before we go to the Premier League let's swing by the WSL and see how that's doing.
Despite the Spurs match being cancelled due to the ridiculous rainfall in London over the weekend and the pitch therefore being waterlogged, we still managed to get the other five games over the line.
Rachel Daly came good again at Villa, scoring their only goal to beat Liverpool, a 57th minute penalty. Manchester City beat Reading as you expect, with poor Emma Mukandi having a mare and scoring not one but two own goals.
Arsenal dispatched with Leicester 0-4 to continue their record-breaking unbeaten run and to go top of the table, while Manchester United fell to Chelsea 1-3.
Then there was West Ham Brighton.
The first goal was scored after 3 minutes and it didn't stop after that with further goals on 8, 11, 20, 59, 68, 71, 85 and 86 with the score going 1-0, 1-1, 1-2, 1-3, 2-3, 2-4, 2-5, 3-5, 4-5.
Alrighty then, it's been An Afternoon and I'm already way late sending this but here goes with the Premier League.
It was a record weekend, with the most goals for the season so far being scored. A total of 37. Of course, Arsenal 1-0 to the Arsenal-ed it but it put us on top of the table so frankly, who cares (I mean maybe we might if by any chance it looks like goal difference will come into play but let's not be silly here. Unless...)
With no early kick off on Saturday due to absurd scheduling, we started the weekend in the blackout with the 3pm games.
On face value it looked like a tedious selection of games that were well suited to being for paying fans only but he who is quick to judge is quick to be judged and were soon eating our words.
Four games, 19 goals.
Forest Brentford looked like it might be another step up for Forest who took the lead after 20 minutes, only for Brentford to strike back on the cusp of half time and then take the lead in the second half. An unfortunately 90+6 own goal however rescued the point for Forest and the spoils were shared. Forest remain, however, at the foot of the table.
Wolves suffered a similar fate after they went behind at Molineux against Brighton, only to claw back the lead by the 35th minute. A 44th minute equaliser and a sending off of Nélson Semedo shortly after popped that balloon however and Brighton ground out a win with an 83rd minute winner from Pascal Groß.
City looked like they might be about to drop more points against a strong Fulham side, only for fate to intervene and have them awarded one of the softest penalties I've ever seen given right at the death of the match. In the words of Forrest Gump, that's all I have to say about that.
Finally on Saturday the absolutely ridiculous Leeds United played Bournemouth in a fixture that, on paper, you could say 'was happening'. It turned out to be the game of the day however.
Not unlike West Ham Brighton in the WSL it was a game that went all over the place. From a 3rd minute Leeds penalty to Bournemouth gaining a 2-3 advantage to, yet again, Crysencio Summerville scoring a late winner. And frankly, even if you're Bournemouth I dare you, dare you, not to find this delightful.
The evening game saw Leicester beating Everton in a fixture that encompasses everything I cannot stand. Teams who play in blue (though forgive me, Leicester's black away strip is gorgeous), Leicester, Frank Lampard. No. No thank you. I flicked between that and Napoli Atalanta which soothed my soul. Anyway, Leicester won by two goals including a peach by Youri Tielemans who is one of the few Leicester players I have any time for.
On Sunday I've already mentioned the Arsenal result which was the super early 12pm kick off. Normally I sort of hate watching us, I like the game to be over and or to look at it indirectly, but on Sunday we played some incredible stuff. The triangles of passing, the decision making, the way we stifled and stretched Chelsea, god it was great. I think it's fair to say that Chelsea were particularly bad but I also think it's fair to say that to some extent we made them be that bad.
Anyway, we won, which is important, and Granit Xhaka forgot where he was afterwards when Des Kelly interviewed him live on BT Sport.
(Fun fact: Des Kelly used to date Carol Vorderman)
The second televised game of the day was a great performance by Newcastle against beleaguered Southampton. Miggy carried on his great form with the opener, followed by Chris Wood, Joe Willock and finally Bruno Guimarães who did an adorable tribute to his new son Matteo and also just looks so fucking hot when he's soaking wet. Sorry but it's true. Southampton got a consolation goal but it wasn't enough to stop Newcastle going 3rd or Ralph Hasenhüttl finally losing his job.
At the same time West Ham played Crystal Palace who overcame their hosts, despite a rocket from Saïd Benrahma opening the scoring.
The third game played at 2pm was the rebirth of Unai Emery as Villa took on Manchester United.
Ten Hag put out a curious team with Ronaldo as captain, Van De Beek starting and no Bruno. It was not a happy experience. Villa scored after mere moments and then only consolidated it, eventually leaving 3-1 winners.
Finally, Spurs welcomed Liverpool to the Tottenham Hotspur Stadium.
Liverpool put out what I think is their strongest team available with Spurs still suffering from a number of injuries, albeit high on winning their UCL group, and it showed. They felt a pleasure to watch with passes from Thiago and Trent setting the timeline alight and Salah opening the scoring, Liverpool finally scoring first!, after just 11 minutes.
Salah got another after 40 minutes and Spurs looked in the mire. However they perked up after the break and within moments of Kulusevski, back from injury, entering play, Harry Kane had got one back. Liverpool held firm though, despite many scares, and both dragged themselves up to 8th and secured Newcastle's 3rd place.
So there we have it, at the time of writing the top dogs are Bayern, PSG, Napoli, Barcelona (Real play tonight), Arsenal and Arsenal. Just one more week to go until we break up for the World Cup...
Half Time
Full transparency here, the reason there's no Half Time section this week is because it's already 5:25pm and as I am not some mad Spaniard or Portuguese planning my evening meal for 11pm, I need to go and make dinner soon. [Ed: it's in the oven already, I've been going back and forth between doing bits of it and writing this, Nadiya's Tandoori Chicken Naanwich if you're asking.]
Thirst Trap
If you can actually believe it we’re back, yet again, at West Ham for this week’s Thirst Trap. West Ham! What the fuck! I’m shocked and disturbed and yet I simply cannot let any of them go by.
So yes, this week the Thirst Trap is West Ham and Germany’s Thilo Kehrer. Look at him. Look. At. Him. Isn’t he beautiful? What a lovely face he has, I’m even prepared to overlook the slightly magician-esque goatee.
The fact that he too loves Saïd Benrahma only goes in his favour.
Merch Stand
See "Half Time" for the explanation as to why there's nothing here. (I wrote the Kehrer section while I was sat in the doctor's surgery waiting to be called into an appointment an incompetent person hadn't marked me as there for)
Full Time
(Click through for the full joke)
Some fruity and veggie football stars appear in this year's Aldi Christmas advert
Very much enjoying Wrighty having something to say about Tony Adams getting through on Strictly.
Also Laura Woods having something to say about this (which I've watched about a million times, I love the guy's face so much, it makes me shriek with joy every time)
More greatness from Xhaka and Benny White here
And proof, were it needed, that Benjamin was On One yesterday.
After Ivan Toney was accused by a paper of historic gambling crimes, Brentford put out this hard hitting statement.
Love this from Bruno. Click through for why.
Truly wonderful to see Pablo Mari up and about and back watching Monza after his horrible experience.
Finally I will leave you with a very very good Remembrance tribute from Torquay United.
Just one more week until the World Cup. I shall endeavour to write something about my thoughts on it but for now, please refer to this excellent piece by the always excellent Musa Okwonga on the dilemma facing many football fans this Winter.
Until next week where it's highly likely you'll be receiving a Subtack email instead!
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