It’s……….TWUTAB
It’s……….TWUTAB
Collect your phone from Davey Jones's locker, stuff a pair of socks down your trousers to hide your tiny chipolata and get stuck in to the new issue of TWUTAB..........
The Week In Ball
I can't believe we're nearly there! One week left of league football and then we're done... it's been a slog but it's also flown by. I'll save my thoughts and the round ups and I dunno, maybe some "awards" (by which I mean things I've really liked throughout the season) for the fallow weeks before the early re-start in August, not forgetting of course the Women's Euros between then and now.
So, this week. We've seen trophies won and lost, leagues finished, European places cemented and much much more.
Let's start then where I really don't want to start and the North London derby. Boy oh boy. I knew this wasn't going to go well for Arsenal, I could feel it in my bones all week. I hatehatehate the derby build up anyway but in recent years it's made me feel sick and I was proven right. As I tweeted I had the exact same feeling about the Palace game beforehand and look what happened there. I don't want to drag out the upset so here are my rough and ready takeaways from it.
Yeah, I guess it was a pen. A soft one but by the law.
The red? I'm gonna get splinters in my arse here because I actually can't remember. The main bit I can recall, or maybe it was an earlier foul, was Cedric trying to give it the big man which mortified me.
Son isn't as nice as you think he is.
Maybe Harry shoving Cedric was a little bit hot? Eurgh sorry sorry.
We really really really need some strikers and better defensive back up options.
The table hasn't changed. It's in our hands. I'm nervous, really nervous. It doesn't help it's Spurs. If it was someone else maybe it wouldn't feel this fraught? However it ends up shaking out 5th will be incredible and 4th a goddamn miracle. In some ways, hear me out here, maybe I'm glad it'll be Spurs who take it off us? That it was our battle, a proper rivalry. Does that make sense or am I overtired? (Yes).
In the other week day league games worth mentioning, Liverpool kept the title fight alive with a win against Aston Villa, although Man City also won comprehensively against Wolves with a KDB masterclass, Leeds woes were further by a loss to Chelsea and another red card and Everton got a draw to help their relegation fight.
To the Sunday games then, where Spurs scraped a win against Burnley via a penalty and Ashley Barnes missed a gilt-edged chance. Spurs should have put this game to bed but Burnley kept going, just wish they'd got an equaliser!
In other 'games that matter' news, Everton imploded against Brentford, going from 2-1 up to losing 2-3 and getting two players sent off, both correctly. I'm so so happy for Brentford who have secured their place in the league as they're such a lovely club who I really enjoy watching (yes, even before Eriksen so shut up!). Sadly there were also reports of the families of both Rico Henry and Ivan Toney being racially abused so a bad day all round at Goodison. Let's hope there perpetrators are found swiftly as those Burnley fans who gave the Nazi salute to the Spurs fans were. As is said before every match, there is no room for racism (or discrimination of any kind) but it's still there and we still need to do all we can to fight it.
Also at the bottom of the table Leeds managed to pull out a last minute equaliser against Brighton, which, for the moment, keeps them in the league by the skin of their teeth. Burnley face Villa on Thursday to see where we'll be on Sunday in terms of who needs what.
Finally, at the top, on the day they bid farewell to Mark Noble after nearly 18 years of continuous service, West Ham nearly pulled off a shock result by going ahead to Man City by two goals by half time. City City-ed though and fought back to draw 2-2. It's dropped points but is it enough? Again, the week day match between Southampton and Liverpool will determine whether the trophy gets to circle the North West in a helicopter on Sunday or if it'll be having a really boring time sitting on a plinth at the Etihad.
Elsewhere Barcelona secured second place after a 0-0 draw to Getafe which also secured Getafe's place in La Liga. This was after a marred victory on Tuesday against Celta Vigo which saw Araujo clash heads with Gavi then collapse on the pitch and have to be taken immediately to hospital. It was a scary time because the ambulance had to drive onto the pitch which made it seem like it was super super serious but apparently it was just because the stretcher was broken so they had to lift him manually from the pitch into the vehicle. Reports are that it was just a concussion and he's fine but I do hope he doesn't play again this season.
Also in La Liga Sevilla locked down Champions League football and their ENG Twitter sent this absolutely undefeated tweet
Shout out also to Betis and Sociedad who also secured some form of European football next season. Who gets what will depend on the results on Sunday but as it stands Betis are in the Europa League and Sociedad in the Conference.
In Serie A Milan beat Atalanta with two outstanding goals, the pick of the two from Theo Hernandez who ran the length of the pitch and slotted home. It was beautiful. Inter also won against Cagliari meaning that as with the Prem, the chase for the Scudetto will go to the wire.
One cup that was decided this week in Italy however was the Coppa Italia which Inter won after two last gasp goals by Ivan Perišić in Extra Time, after Inter levelled it 2-2 with a Hakan Çalhanoğlu penalty. I didn't watch it because I don't shell out for Premier Sports but by all accounts it was a brilliant match. Maybe they'll get my hard earned pounds next year so I have access to that, the Copa del Rey and the Pokal. I mean it's not like I don't watch enough football as it is...
In Germany then, the leagues were wrapped up finally. The main talking points, after Bayern secured the championship seemingly weeks ago, were the European places and relegation/promotion from the 2.Bundesliga.
In the end Bayern, Dortmund, Leverkusen and Leipzig secured Champions League with Union getting Europa League and Freiburg securing Conference.
At the other end Arminia and Furth were relegated with Hertha going into the playoff position. With Werder Bremen and Schalke coming back up, Hertha will face Hamburger SV in the play off.
It was also an emotional day at Signal Iduna Park where Borussia Dortmund bid farewell to long time servant and one of my faves, Marcel "Schmelle" Schmelzer.
Finally in France, Marseille, Monaco and Rennes all go into the final day with the chance to qualify for the Champions League, Strasbourg could leapfrog Rennes to take the Conference spot and Nice or Lens could also jump up to take the Conference qualifying place. As Strasbourg and Marseille and Lens and Monaco play each other we could expect some tasty matches.
The relegation spots are all but decided except for order with St Etienne, Metz and Bordeaux all fighting for the playoff position. A shout out at this point to Clermont Foot who are safe and who had some really big results this year.
Lastly on the leagues, I know I've never touched on the Primeira Liga in Portugal before but I thought I'd take a quick glance at the table and excuse me, the bottom team is called B-SAD? I am done. Absolutely done. Talk about nominative determinism...
The last place to visit this week then is Wembley, where in an historic first both the men's and the women's FA Cups were played on the same weekend.
On Sunday Chelsea played Man City for the Women's FA Cup. I did not watch this so please defer to your usual sources for more detailed women's football content, however congratulations to Chelsea who prevailed eventually after the game went to extra time at 2-2. Who else was going to score the winner but Sam Kerr who put Chelsea ahead on the 99th minute and allowed them to hold on to claim the double. They really are a formidable side but City gave them a game!
On Saturday Chelsea's men were up against Liverpool for the second trophy this season. And yet again it was a 0-0 draw that went to penalties. It was a tense game, with plenty of moments where it could have gone either way and even more where I was asleep being both hungover and sleep deprived (I stayed in a hotel on Friday and I'm a notoriously bad hotel sleeper).
When the penalties began I perked up somewhat although the tension really got to me. I was obviously in the Liverpool camp for this so apologies for the bias in what is to come but crikey, what a shoot out.
A miss by Chelsea captain Azpilicueta and then a save of penalty shootout hero Sadio Mané's shot and it felt like we were going to get goalkeeper penalties again but no... After Alisson saved Mason Mount's effort Kostas Tsimikas stepped up and... scored. The quadruple is now 50% done. There are three games left for the team to play... could they?
Very Important dance moves from Thiago and Mané and even more important ones from Hendo.
Football 'eritage Part 1
Instead of a Kick Off section, today there are two "'eritage" sections as there's an important anniversary today and also an ongoing legal case that both need acknowledging.
So first off we come to the most incredible moment I've ever witnessed while watching a football game. Let's start with a throwaway tweet I sent in 2018
And also this one from 2012
It's been a theme of recent years, it seems, that all I wanted was to be watching a game where a goalie scored. And so we come to West Brom vs. Liverpool on this day in 2021. Liverpool, who's title defending season wasn't going the best, were drawing 1-1 with the Baggies. They got a corner and in a last ditch attempt to salvage the game, goalkeeper Alisson Becker came up for it.
What followed? Well, you can guess (probably you know) from the build up. Alisson rose above everyone else, headed the ball and it sailed into the far corner. Jamie Carragher made a noise, Martin Tyler didn't really know what to say. I can't begin to describe the noises that came out of my husband or the shrieking I did.
The thing that really sealed it was that not only was it a goalkeeper scoring, it was Alisson, who weeks earlier had lost his dad in an horrific incident and is just an all round great guy.
Football 'eritage Part 2
You thought you could escape? Oh no my friends, there is no escape. From the sublime to the ridiculous, it's.......... the WAGatha Christie trial.
It all started on 9th October 2019 when Coleen Rooney posted the below on her Twitter.
And what a day it was! You know sometimes you just can't keep up with your timeline and your group chats and you think maybe your fingers are about to drop off? It was like that. Just sheer pandemonium.
In the intervening years much has happened culminating in the ongoing trial at the High Court where Rebekah Vardy is suing Coleen Rooney.
Frankly this is a truly excellent explainer and you should watch this if you want the hows and the whys put across in a simple and accessible manner.
There's also been some excellent live tweeting of the trial from Tristan Kirk, Jim Waterson and Adam Crafton.
The long and the short of it is that in 2019, after setting a genius trap of planting fake stories in her instagram Close Friends and only having the one "close friend" added, Rooney was able to identify who had been passing on stories about her to the press, most notably the Sun.
Rebekah Vardy bit back claiming it wasn't her and that many people had access to her account and so Rebekah Vardy brought a libel case against Rooney over the claim she leaked stories on Rooney to the Sun.
From here it gets a bit muddy. As stated in the video above there are three explanations: it was indeed Rebekah Vardy doing this herself; it was her staff doing this under her instruction; it was her staff doing this off their own back. As also stated, if it's the third option she's off the hook and we can believe her claims. If it's the second, she has been complicit and therefore Coleen cannot be found guilty.
The muddiness occurs because of the infamous "phone in the North Sea" incident. Not long after it had been requested as evidence it was claimed it was unavailable due to having been dropped into the North Sea. I don't know about you, but this is highly suspicious and does not seem like the act of someone with nothing to hide. On the other hand, there was a confession by Vardy's agent Caroline that she had been passing information to the Sun. This would remove the possibility of the first option (it was all Vardy) and leave open the second two.
So far we've had a week of the trial and it's already thrown up sum gems.
We've had Wayne arriving at the trial with a binder of evidence.
We've had Rebekah not understanding the phrase 'Davey Jones' locker' (which we won't judge her for, it's often a tactic of the barristers to make witnesses look stupid on the stand)
Of course we've had speculation about Peter Andre's penis
And...
The trial, as all the proper news outlets say, continues.
The {Offside} Thirst Trap
I've already spoilered this section on Twitter after getting too giddy after the FA Cup so many of you will already know who's coming but for those who don't, let me explain.
This week it's the turn of Liverpool left-back, the Greek Scouser himself, Kostas Tsimikas.
I've often tweeted my love of Kostas but after the penalty on Saturday I felt he needed to also be immortalised in the Thirst Trap Hall of Fame, so here he is. The first thing that hooked me was his hair. Those soft, bleached curls of his are so hot and look so nice to touch I was immediately won over. He's also funny though, has some banging tattoos and wears fun clothes (ignoring the Frankenstein shoes he wore recently). He seems like a great guy, fun, popular on the team, decent. Just yeah. Big up to the Greek.
Merch Stand
Still lots of new kits dropping, starting with my baes Dortmund unveiling their new home jersey. It's really nice huh? I was particularly thrilled to see Jude Bellingham in it. If only they'd unblock me on main so I could see all the delicious content :(
Roma's new kit is... OK? But the little video to announce it is cute
Real Madrid have also just dropped their new one and, it's fine I guess? I'll just never be sold on a collar I'm sorry.
Extra Time
Let's start with a banging tweet from Danny Welbeck after the Brighton end of season awards/dinner
A little bit of United shade...
Simply delightful from Leeds, presumably their social media team has learnt from encouraging a pile on on a female pundit...
This is an interesting thread about the psychology of the FA Cup shootout. I'm sure many of the points are disputable but it's still a good read and makes some salient points about things you can't teach like warmth and empathy and how to treat people to get the best out of them (note: I'm not putting this hear to drag Thomas as I think he's a good guy, it's just an interesting contrast)
I can only assume there's a tweet out there with this on that isn't a reply because it should have much higher numbers than this
That's all for this week. Have a great one and may all of your teams (except City and Spurs and Inter) finish where you want them to. Until next time!
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