Like Carrying Goals To Newcastle
or Diwedd Hollywood
Kick Off
Are the starts of these newsletters getting repetitive? Do I always clatter in asking where to begin? Yes and Yes. This week though, truly, where to begin?
What a weekend of football. From your author’s wholesale breakdown on Friday evening to a last gasp Raspadori winner last night it’s been a non-stop, frantic, heady rollercoaster of a time. And I really truly don’t know where to begin!
Actually, I do. Let’s begin briefly, fleetingly, before we return later, at St James’s Park, where Jacob Murphy summed up the whole weekend with one simple expression.
So, where shall we actually begin? Shall we get the trauma out of the way first? Yes.
Friday. Arsenal hosted Southampton. Top vs bottom. A banker? Maybe. It felt like it was weirdly off people’s radars though. Like it was just slipping in quietly hoping not to be noticed before the City game, before the Chelsea game.
I felt my usual nerves before kick off but I also felt something else. I’m not going to pretend I’m any kind of soothsayer, on balance I assumed we’d win, despite remaining outwardly pessimistic to avoid curses, but the vibe was off. Maybe it was just my mood but I felt like something bad was in the offing. And yes, I was right. Even typing this now is making me tense up and grind my teeth. God gives his toughest [football] battles to his weakest, most Baby soldiers and he needs to give it a rest.
A combination of the goal and other things going on tipped me over the edge and I genuinely started to cry. I tried to hide it for as long as I could because yes, it’s embarrassing, but my husband eventually noticed and then there was a freedom to just let it go. I was a mess. Worse than the Liverpool game. Worse than the West Ham one. Do you need to read all this? No. But never let it be said I’ll pass up an opportunity to talk about myself and especially to talk about myself in detail and with some added TMI.
Anyway, 28 seconds in and Southampton were 0-1 up. It was clumsy from Ramsdale (who ripped his jersey in annoyance after, something I have actually done too, but to a t-shirt, while on holiday, because my Dad’s partner was making me so annoyed), but it was a lovely finish from Alcaraz. Though I truly believe, through no bitterness or bias, that it should have been chalked off for the siu celebration. I’m afraid that’s just never acceptable in my book.
Not long after, Theo Walcott scored Southampton’s second, a beautiful, traitorous goal. He didn’t celebrate? Big whoop, the damage was done.
Martinelli got one back after 21 minutes and I barely blinked. I was numb at that point. I also felt a weird sense of calm, a freedom maybe? No more stress. It was done. I could enjoy the rest of the season without worrying.
This was of course enhanced when Southampton got their third. A header from Caleta-Car that we should have defended better. From a corner we shouldn’t have given away in the first place. This was definitely it.
But this is the 22/23 season. This is the Arsenal. We never give up. An 88th minute goal from Martin Ødegaard. No celebration. Back to the centre circle. And then, on the 90th minute, our Starboy, our talisman, the boy who takes all the shit and never crumbles. Saka, 3-3. 8 minutes stoppage time.
Despite numerous chances, it wasn’t to be but the grit, the determination we showed. It’s special. I love them fiercely. And if you want to laugh at that, if you think it’s pathetic or blinkered or loser mentality so be it. Just remember this:
A final word on the game, other than of course to give massive credit to Southampton for playing the way they did, needs to go to all the medical staff in the ground. During the first half Jan Bednarek suffered a nasty fall after Martinelli pulled a classic Harry Kane and bent over so Bednarek tumbled over him. He hit the ground hard. Was clearly dazed. He was subbed and he fought it hard, but the Southampton medical staff and the Arsenal doctor intervened and insisted he came off. This is exactly what we want to see in head injury situations. However you feel, however gutting it is, you’re not in a fit state to make any decisions about your welfare. That the club didn’t capitulate, that our doctor also stepped in, is fantastic and I applaud them.
Let’s stay with the Premier League then and go through the other fixtures from the weekend.
The early kick off on Saturday was Fulham Leeds. Fulham were looking to cement their top half finish, Leeds just wanted to win, or get something from a game.
It started off cagey. 0-0 at half time. But then Harry Wilson scored a really beautiful goal that made me honk. I urge you to watch it if only for the delicious way it ricochets off the crossbar. Extremely satisfying.
Pereira, a last minute addition to my Fantasy team, scored Fulham’s second and then an own goal by Paulinha gave Leeds some last minute hope. Unfortunately they just couldn’t convert and the score remained as was. Leeds are out of danger for now but their form is worrying and to be quite frank I like 2020s Leeds United and would enjoy it if they stayed up.
Especially if they stay up to the detriment of Leicester, who managed to overcome Wolves on Saturday. I’m sorry if you’re a Leicester fan but I just can’t find it in myself to be neutral about them!
However, maybe you’re a Liverpool fan or simply have your own particular bias and were celebrating the win which pushed Everton into the bottom three, even though they themselves drew against Crystal Palace, bringing the first dropped points of the Hodgson era.
There was also a draw at the G-Tech after a late Douglas Luiz goal neutralised Ivan Toney’s earlier effort for Brentford. Brentford are in a sticky patch at the moment which I hope they manage to get out of. I really like them as a club, I adore Thomas Frank and I think the league is richer with them in it. Villa on the other hand are really in their bag at the moment. They’re playing exciting, winning football and although this was a stumble I think it’s often a good sign when teams can claw something back late in games.
Finally for Saturday fixtures, a thriller at Anfield which saw five goals in 20 minutes, the advantage flicking back and forth between Liverpool and Forest.
This is always a sensitive fixture, especially when it’s held so close to the anniversary of Hillsborough, so it was lovely to see the banner in the away end asking to stop tragedy chanting which was met with standing and applause from Liverpool fans.
Sadly I’ve heard that despite this there was still poverty chanting and guys, I dunno maybe don’t do either? There’s no place for any of it. You shouldn’t have the wherewithal to support ending one and then be daft enough to do the other.
But anyway, the game! After a goalless first half, Liverpool took the lead via Jota within the first two minutes of the restart. Then four minutes later Neco Williams evened the score. Four minutes after that Diogo scored again. Then we had to wait an interminable eight minutes before Gibbs-White leveled it again. Then three minutes later, Mo Salah gave Liverpool the lead yet again. They held on and took an important victory in their probably unlikely charge for Europe while Forest took another hit in their bid for survival. They sit second from bottom and their form is worrying. Unfortunately three teams have to go down and while I’d happily swap them for Leicester, current results would suggest otherwise.
Sunday then. Let’s quickly talk about the West Ham game. Fresh from their victory on Thursday in the Europa Conference League, during which one of the greatest things to happen in football occurred, the Hammers took on Bournemouth. Antonio opened the scoring after 5 minutes (it was a day for early goals) to be followed, yet again, by the greatest ever goal scoring pairing
Fornals added a fourth and Bournemouth, who had been going so well, look wobbly. They’re still 5 points clear of the drop-zone so we shall see what happens. West Ham however are on the ascendancy and are now 13th, still not safe but getting there.
The other Premier League game on Sunday was Newcastle Tottenham.
Sometimes I think I know nothing about football and I’m going to be found out, other times I see a team sheet and feel horror spreading through me (see my tweets from Friday before kick off for e.g.!) and am proven right in my fears. This happened when I saw Spurs’s on Sunday. Pape Sarr!? I yelled. Oliver SKIPP? THIS IS A BAD TEAM!
And well. Let’s see how that panned out shall we?
Look at those goal times. 2, 6, 9, 19, 21, 67. That’s not football, that’s the Lottery numbers, where’s Alan Dedicoat when you need him?
It was incredible, frantic, breathtaking football from Newcastle. This pass from Fabian Schär for Joelinton’s goal is knicker-wettingly good. Twice I was tweeting a Newcastle supporting friend saying how I was getting bored and they should score again when mid-tweet… they did. The noise from the stadium. The player reactions (see Jacob Murphy above), it was astonishing. Coupled with the fact the emergency alert test happened part way through the first half and my entire timeline, bar the Spurs fans, was mildly (fully?) hysterical by half time.
But let’s take something away from Newcastle here. Spurs were also exceptionally bad. Stellini’s defensive experimentation didn’t work. Pape Sarr, he of my exclamation on seeing the team sheet, was subbed after 23 minutes, when they were already 5-0 down. At half time captain and goalkeeper Hugo Lloris was subbed. The goalkeeper! The captain!
Annoyingly, for the purist who likes a response-less thrashing and as someone who had Newcastle defenders in their FPL side Spurs did get one back via Harry Kane. I don’t even know what happened, it was met with no noise, no celebrations that I saw, it was only when I saw the scorecard change I realised what had taken place. I’m not sure commentary even noticed.
It was truly a game unlike any other I’ve seen this season, and honestly Newcastle fans, enjoy it, treasure it. There are so many bad and stupid times in football when something joyful happens, we feast!
And that’s that for the Prem. I know there are games this week but I’m not talking about those. Thanks 😌
Europe then!
France and Spain happened but we don’t have time for those, so first, to Germany.
Bayern played Thomas Tuchel’s old club Mainz on Saturday after their humiliating exit from the Champions League. Mainz are fine, but they’re not great so it was a chance to get back on the horse and back to winning ways after the draw at lowly Hoffenheim last week.
And yet…
Of course Bayern went 0-1 up. But then Mainz equalised. And then they went ahead. And then they sealed it with a third. I yelled. I tweeted. I tried to reverse hex Dortmund by tweeting that they were bound to implode against Eintracht.
And so to the Eintracht game. It was on Sky! I didn’t care to watch City smash Sheffield Wednesday in the Cup so I was free to watch it!
Well.
Dortmund were nothing short of fantastic. Early on I said that Mats Hummels was on it and boy was he. A warrior in defense and he got a goal to his name. This was in addition to a sweet Jude Bellingham strike and a Donyell Malen brace. They controlled the game, dealt with Eintracht’s attempts on goal. The Gelbe Wand was literally bouncing.
You can never fully trust Dortmund but this felt good. It felt like they weren’t going to fall apart. And so as we go into the final few games Dortmund sit atop the Bundesliga
Bochum, Wolfsburg, Gladbach, Augsburg and Mainz stand in their way. It’s not a bad run in. But I can’t get excited. I can’t. Can I?
Over in Italy, my guys Milan managed to beat Lecce 2-0 with a brace from Leão and assists from Tonali and Díaz, many of my faves combining!
However, after Juve’s points deduction was overturned the table is in flux again with Juve now back in third and Roma and Milan in fourth and fifth respectively. They’ll swap if Roma beat Atalanta tonight.
The main talking point of the weekend as far as Serie A is concerned however was the Juventus Napoli game.
Napoli have been in the mire, after such a storming run to the Scudetta they’re faltering. It won’t be fatal but there’s always pride at stake. And for much of the game it seemed like they would only manage a draw, if that, as Juventus came at them with force. They even scored two goals, one of which was ruled out for a foul in the build up, the other for offside.
Then, deep into stoppage time, Raspadori scored a goal that made me scream my head off. I don’t even care for Napoli either way, but I do hate Juve! And it’s a lovely goal.
There were some incredible scenes when they arrived back in Napoli after the game, as captured here by Aguissa and it’s entirely possible that next weekend they’ll be crowned Champions after 33 years without a Scudetto to their name.
Finally then, we must go to Wales. Out of league football to the Vanarama. To Wrexham. A win against Boreham Wood would see them take the National League crown and promotion to the football league for the first time in 15 years.
Do you think they did it?
Of course they did it. We finally got the Hollywood Ending Disney so wanted. An ending that was beautiful and fitting and feels so deserved.
There’s much to say about famous, rich owners of clubs but I dare you to say Rob and Ryan don’t care. Whatever their original motivation they are IN. The tears at full time proved that. The generosity and knowledge in their post match interview where they took time to praise Boreham Wood and of course Notts County, who’ve given them such tough competition for top spot and made it such an exciting contest, prove it too.
And how did they do it?
After going down a goal in the first minute they played their hearts out, then after 15 minutes Elliot Lee equalised. I joined the match for the second half and was lucky enough to see two truly beautiful goals from Paul Mullin. They held on and held on for 20 minutes and then it was done. Tears of joy from everyone. A pitch invasion. Flares.
And on Sunday morning? Mullin was in McDonald’s, presumably hungover and soaking it up with McMuffin, chanting Fuck the Tories. You can’t begrudge that now can you?
A quick shout out before I wrap up to some women’s games this weekend.
Arsenal got a brilliant draw at Wolfsburg in their UWCL first leg and props to Chelsea who are behind to Barcelona at the break, but only by one goal.
Also, big shout out to Bristol City who secured promotion to the WSL at the weekend.
Full Time
Still not over this picture from the FA Cup Semi that David De Gea posted on his instagram. The pure rom-com kissing in the rain framing of it all!
Also Licha on insta celebrating the win 🫠
Katie McCabe during Arsenal’s UWCL tie against Wolfsburg. Those thighs! (Apologies, this isn’t the Thirst Trap section, BUT!)
Amazing content from Anguissa after the Napoli game yesterday (the caption)
I’m not really a baby or kid person but I have been destroyed by Bruno’s six month old baby. LOOK AT HIM OMG
Don’t even get me started on Man City’s Eid content
Incredible scenes in Skelmersdale
Spurs Banter Era Section - Look Away Now If You’re A Spurs Fan
(Don’t worry, I’ve spared you all the “hilarious” emergency alert tweets)
Thirst Trap
It’s a surprise to me that this guy hasn’t been a Thirst Trap before. When he was suggested I couldn’t believe it, but lo, he has not. A massive oversight!
I’ve had my eye on him since his Lyon days when he tore up the pitch with bestie Bruno Guimarães.
It is of course, the swivel hipped Lucas Paqueta. A stunningly handsome, lovely seeming man with a beautiful family and dances to make your eyes (EYES) water. Yes.
Obviously I’d rather these were embedded but please do visit these links for some extremely spicy dance content
And that’s it for today. It’s been a long one so I’ve left out a couple of sections. Shirt of the Week is bound to ramp up during the World Cup and when the 23/24 jerseys drop and it’s been such a silly, breathless weekend I thought we could do without the serious business I usually reserve for Half Time.
Hope you enjoyed, drop a Like or a comment if you want, sometimes I reply! Otherwise I’ll see you back here next Monday 😊🩷