Pach~Mikel's Canon(s)

This title is like chess, if I have to explain it to you, you're very stupid 😜

Kick Off

I’m writing this late on Saturday evening because I wanted to make a note of it before whatever might occur tomorrow happens and potentially, although not likely, changes my current feelings. Am I using this space as therapy? Maybe 😊

Recently I’ve been feeling bad about football. I’ve generally been able to adopt a kind of Pollyanna-esque attitude to the game over the past few years, even when massive amounts of shit have been thrown at fans, from the Super League to Qatar to unsavoury ownership to the endless stream of abusers being exposed.

As you well know from either reading this newsletter, following me on Twitter or both, I’m not one to shy away from these issues, but when it came down to the game itself, the nitty gritty, I remained, for the most part, thrilled and delighted.

This feeling is getting harder to come by these days. It doesn’t feel like a season where Arsenal have remained unbeaten domestically, I find results from other teams are getting me down far more than in previous seasons; not even ones that affect my team directly but just ones where the team I dislike has won. After the Lens game I felt completely indifferent to the result. I’m doing terribly in FPL and like, whatever. I shrugged when Liverpool beat Arsenal in the WSL.

Normally I’d put feeling like this down to being depressed in general, something I do experience; we all know that “losing interest in things that once gave you pleasure” is a sign of a depressive episode but… I’m fine, things are good. Football just isn’t hitting like it used to.

Is this burn out? Is all the Bad Stuff finally hitting me? Have I thrown myself in too hard and am suffering the consequences? It seems this may be the most likely explanation and for once I’m relieved it’s international break, a chance to have a breather. I’m going to the Chanel exhibition on Thursday with my Mum and have got extremely into Shameless US which I’m excited to binge (I’m two seasons down and have nine to go and I’m helplessly and irretrievably in love with Mickey Milkovich), I might even read a book, or listen to some of the non-football podcasts I enjoy.

Of course I reserve the right to be giddy as fuck if we beat City but for now, this is where I’m at.

---

Huh.

It’s late on Sunday night now and well, shit!

Yeah it’s Monday now, I was going to write more yesterday but I got distracted and I was tired and yeah, whatever. Anyway I’m keeping the therapy session above in because regardless of both the Giroud situation and the Arsenal win I’m still not quite where I was with football last season and I do believe a break is going to be a good thing, despite the fact I have a ticket to the WSL Villa game at the Emirates on Sunday…

Anyway, let’s do the usual round up before I start sharing formative incidents from my childhood or something.

France first, because I have literally zero idea what happened in Ligue 1 this weekend. Sorry Ligue 1-ophiles, I don’t know how it bypassed me entirely but it did. Anyway, Monaco are top going into the international break, Nice are second and PSG are now third with Brest slipping to fourth. Lyon have made it off the foot of the table, to be replace by an actual foot, of the Clermont variety.

Next let’s go to Spain shall we, see what those lads are up to. Well for a start, Jude Bellingham continues to be ridiculous. Madrid beat Osasuna 4-0 on Saturday and Jude scored a brace, with the other goals coming from Vini Jr and Joselu.

Do I like Real Madrid? No. Will I ever get tired of Jude scoring and doing this celebration? Also no.

Is it also delightful seeing Vini Jr and Camavinga dancing in celebration? Yes.

Elsewhere, my sweet baby Héctor Bellerin scored an own goal as Betis drew 1-1 with Alavés, I like to think he did it to absorb the heat from the City game and give Arsenal the power they needed to win.

Barcelona also drew, despite managing to come back from 2-0 down at Granada and even getting the ball in the net for a winner before it was ruled offside.

Girona’s form continued as they squeaked past Cádiz and they sit second, above Barcelona.

Over in Germany Xabi Alonso’s Bayer Leverkusen remain top of the tree and continue their unbeaten, goal heavy form which currently stands at 23 for and only 6 against (which matches Bayern).

VfB Stuttgart are in second and beat Wolfsburg 3-1. Their next game is against the struggling Union Berlin so I would suspect their form to continue.

In third and fourth place respectively are Bayern and Dortmund who have identical stats, bar goals for and against and remain, with Leverkusen, unbeaten in the Bundesliga.

They both won at the weekend, Bayern 3-0 against Freiburg (with no Harry Kane goal!) and Dortmund 4-2 against Union who managed to take the lead midway through the first half. The game gave the most Dortmund selection of notifications ever, all it was missing was a red card.

So then, Serie A. Serie Serie A, well well well, you little scamp. Lulling me into a false sense of security before BAM, the sceniest of scenes I’ve, um, seen for a long time.

Quickly then, before THE moment of the weekend let’s whizz around the results. Last night Napoli fell to Fiorentina, losing 1-3 and the lads in purple were good for the win. Maybe it’s always been like this, maybe it’s because they spent most of last season winning, but the silence that descended on the Maradona every time Fiorentina scored was so so bizarre, it really messes with your head when you’re used to the volume increasing at a goal and instead it decreases like a record scratch.

The win puts Fiorentina above Napoli in the table and just under Juve who dispatched with Torino 2-0. There were also wins for Roma, Monza, Lazio, and Frosinone. Ignoring Milan for one second everyone else, including the league leaders going into the weekend, Inter, drew. Empoli, Salernitana and Cagliari are currently in trouble, though at least Empoli have managed to win a game, unlike their counterparts and Udinese above them.

But I digress! No-one really cares about that do they? Something far more exciting happened late on Saturday evening.

Now you’ve all read the beginning of this, you know where my head was on Saturday, it was not, with apologies to Troy Bolton, in the game. Milan might be my Italian team of choice but I slept through the vast majority of the Genoa game, it was very boring!

Until… it wasn’t.

I dragged my eyes open mere moments before the 87th minute when Pulisic put the Rossoneri ahead with what was frankly a lovely goal, that then had an interminable VAR check to be eventually and correctly given.

The game pootled along for a bit after that. There were some scares as a Milan fan but it was looking good, even with a ridiculous amount of time added on (I did say the VAR check took a while!) and then Magic Mike Maignan, on 90+8, had a rush of blood to the head and clattered out of his area, taking out two Genoa players in the process, one with a knee to the throat. Not intentional of course but I don’t think anyone, except maybe Michael Oliver*, would argue with the red card.

*(see this tweet and this reaction pic)

The problem was, Pioli had used all of his subs. And you know what that means….

Outfield! Player! In! Goal!

And outfield player in goal is always fun but this time trumped all other occasions of it happening as it was OLIVIER GIROUD who donned Maignan’s jersey and stepped between the sticks.

The timeline, as is the done thing in this situations, lost its collective shit and I still haven’t recovered. Giroud even had a save to make.

But the drama didn’t end there! Oh no, for it was Genoa’s turn next and on 90+13 (NINETY PLUS THIRTEEN!) Josep Martinez was dispatched from the Genoa goal for a foul (and a second yellow) on Tomori while he was up for a Genoa corner. Sadly Genoa had a sub left so we didn’t see two outfield players in goal but honestly, what a treat to end a Saturday night with.

The win leaves Milan top, two points clear of Inter.

Remember kids: DON’T👏🏼 SLEEP 👏🏼ON 👏🏼SERIE 👏🏼A

Right then.

Ligue 1✅

La Liga✅

Bundesliga✅

Serie A✅

Which must mean it’s time for the Best League in the World©️.

We started on Saturday lunchtime at Kenilworth Road for Luton v Spurs. I made the mistake last week of saying that the 12:30 KO was the best and while that proved to be the case last week, this week it was anything but.

It was a turgid game. Somehow, despite their obvious ineptitude, Spurs were unable to break Luton down and Luton in turn provided no threat whatsoever. Their passing was poor, their shape was poor, their finishing was abysmal.

Of course I have a natural bias in wanting Spurs to lose but the performance by Luton was so abject that I tweeted we should just get rid of them, Sheffield United and Burnley. Sure this was bound to happen after last year when all three promoted teams stayed up but the gulf between this intake and those already in the league (with the exception perhaps of Bournemouth who are having a Time of it this season) is so wide it makes me yearn for a shake up.

With everything going the way it did in the game, the wide gap between xG, between experience at the top level, between skill, between players on the pitch after Bissouma’s stoppage time dismissal in the first half, it did feel like it would end up going Luton’s way, such is the folly of the Football Gods but alas, on the 52nd minute Mickey van de Ven popped up to score from a nifty corner routine.

Now, I have to take a moment here to say that van de Ven sends me a bit feral (I was so glad he did an interview after the game, this is not it but yeah, please keep making Dutch players say ‘Spurs’). He’ll definitely be in the Thirst Trap one day, so on a personal level, good for him, but on a tribal level, boooooo.

The 3pm games started off in such a promising way for fans of Banter and teams that begin with B, with both Chelsea and Man United going behind to Burnley and Brentford respectively. Unfortunately Burnley Burnleyed and Brentford continued their woeful form and the games ended 1-4 and 2-1 with the United match going right to the wire, only for super sub Scott McTominay to get a brace in stoppage time.

Everton also rode the crest of their small wave and beat another B team, dispatching with Bournemouth 3-0.

The other game of the afternoon ended 3-1 to Fulham but it was marred by Sheffield United’s Chris Basham suffering the most horrific injury I’ve seen in a long time. And yes, I am a horrible ghoulish goblin so I did watch it (please don’t if you’re squeamish, I’ve got a strong stomach and it was properly churning after) and the injury came simply from rolling over on his ankle, it didn’t look particularly hard or especially awkward and the player he was chasing down wasn’t involved, it was just unbelievably unlucky and a perfect (shit)storm. He’s already posted to say he’s having two operations and I suspect that should be caveated with an ‘at least’ so I wish him well and hope he has a speedy recovery but also that he truly takes the time he needs to mend both physically and mentally.

The final game of Saturday was a terrible match between Palace and Forest that ended 0-0 and for the first time since I missed it because I was out, I didn’t watch MOTD that evening.

Sunday started off with controversy in reffing yet again when Alex Greenwood, playing her 100th game for City, was sent off for time-wasting in the match against Chelsea. She was joined not long after by Lauren Hemp, reducing City to 9. The game ended in a 1-1 draw after Guro Reiten equalised in the 96th minute.

The surprise of the WSL season so far, admittedly with only two games played, is that Leicester and Liverpool are top of the tree, Leicester just pipping it on goals scored as their stats are otherwise identical (sounds familiar…). The Manchesters are in 3rd and 4th with Arsenal down in 9th after their draw with United on Friday evening.

I hate Leicester men so need to offer their women the same… respect? So if Arsenal can’t get their act together, in a league where there’s so few games making the margins even finer, I’ll be rooting for Liverpool to win. Anyone but Chelsea though right? PS if you want a more detailed round up try Sophie’s over at ESPN.

Back with the men and there were three games that kicked off at 2pm, three games I’d have enjoyed seeing far more than the games that were on offer on Saturday but Europe’s gonna Europe and so they were all played at the same time with only one on TV.

All ended in a draw, it was, as I tweeted, rather pleasingly two two twos and one one one with Brighton and Liverpool and West Ham and Newcastle taking the twos and Wolves Villa taking the one.

Newcastle were always going to find it hard to match their performance against PSG and a draw with a brace from Isak is nothing to be sniffed it. It will feel like a loss, especially with the late goal but these things happen.

In the Wolves Villa game, Pau Torres got his first goal for the club and gifted us this great picture and an adorable interview.

For a long time the Liverpool game felt like it was going to be another one of their 3-1s but this time Brighton had their number and the game ended 2-2. It was a frustrating performance from Liverpool. Mac Allister looks uncomfortable in the side and although he did score Liverpool’s two goals, Salah’s speed and finishing isn’t what it used to be.

As for Brighton, they’re a good team, a fun team but they’re battling with their first season in Europe and it showed. The game against Marseille was full on, a battle to the last second and they were clearly exhausted.

OK, I think I’ve held off for long enough now, it’s time for the final game of the round up, Arsenal v. Manchester City. To quote The Day Today, ‘can you sum it up in a word?’ ‘No,’ ‘Can you sum it up in a sound?’

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRGGGHHH

Am I overreacting? No, no I’m not. We haven’t beaten City at home for years. We haven’t drawn with them for years. They won the TREBLE last year. OK fine, they’ve been a little shaky over the past couple of games (even Leipzig? I didn’t see a second of that so have no idea), they’ve been beaten already by Newcastle in the Carabao Cup and Wolves in the league. They were without Rodri and De Bruyne but so fucking what?! *Michael Spicer voice* This is Manchester City, they’re the team of depth and breadth, of endless unused skill.

So please, indulge me for the next moment.

Firstly, a second for David Raya. After his headloss moment in the first half I think the entire fanbase was out for his blood. We’re not going to let go of Ramsdale without a fight, despite whatever Mikel is cooking, and his actions did nothing in his favour. However, in the second half he was solid. The whole team was to be fair. Whatever mad analogy Mikel came up with, whatever speech Stuart McFarlane gave, whoever Win deemed worthy of a lick and a rest of her head on their knee, it worked.

It wasn’t pretty, it wasn’t particularly exciting but then Gabriel Martinelli smashed the winning goal home (sure Nathan Aké was in the way but it was on target so it’s Nelli’s goal) and I began to sweat like that sweating gif from Airplane! everyone posts.

8 minutes from the goal until the end of the game felt like a lifetime. I was quite literally on the edge of my seat, my sweat sodden hands clutching my face, random gasps and yelps spewing my from mouth along with a strangled ‘BENNY WHIIIIIIITE!’ when this happened:

Happy fucking Birthday Benjamin🙏🏼

Then there was this from Saliba which I missed at the time but oh god, look at him. SOLID.

Of course a second goal would have been lovely to put us on top of the table but WE BEAT MANCHESTER CITY IN A NON-COMMUNITY SHIELD SITUATION, we’ve retained our unbeaten run and frankly, right now, that is prize worth having ❤️🤍

Half Time

Last week marked the second anniversary of the Saudi takeover of Newcastle United which made me think about supporting teams when bad things are going on off the pitch, so this week I wanted to write a little about this.

Here are some opinions I hold: believe women (and all survivors); the legal system in this country and elsewhere is fucked; state ownership of sporting institutions is a bad thing; solidarity always with the LGBTQI+ community; and finally, there is no ethical consumption under capitalism.

Another opinion I hold is that sport, whether taking part or being an active fan, can be an enriching, beautiful thing. It can give you a community (hi friends I’ve made through football!), can be an outlet for your emotions, can be your identity.

This is why it can be so difficult when you have to reconcile those two facets of your beliefs.

Newcastle fans come under a lot of criticism for continuing to support a team that’s owned by a brutal regime that acts in ways that are truly horrific, but it’s not that easy to just drop your team when something like this happens, especially not when they are, for better or worse, a part of your identity, of you. It can feel like you’re being personally attacked, irrespective of your personal views or dislike of [insert bad thing here].

My team regularly plays a man accused of multiple rapes. It’s sickening, I wish it didn’t happen and I rail against it whenever I can, mostly because it’s what I believe but partly because of the guilt I feel in continuing to support the team, to love the team, when he’s in it. I follow a lot of Newcastle fans for some reason (no offence to them at all but do you ever wonder how you end up with so many fans of a certain team on your TL?!) and I know they all hate the owners whilst simultaneously enjoying the successes they’ve brought. Many Manchester United fans have expressed disgust at their hypocrisy in the ways that Greenwood and Antony have been handled compared to Sancho and also just in general at what feels like a preponderance of abusers at the club. There are City fans, PSG fans and more out there who disagree with their ownership.

For me, the problem comes when you decide to brush the unsavoury aspects of your club under the carpet, or worse, when you defend them. I saw this tweet over the weekend and it was refreshing to see someone admit that most of the time it’s not about malice or support or defending state sanctioned murder on Twitter dot com, it’s simply not on their radar.

Of course this is a sad state of affairs and it would be nice if everyone had a strong social conscious, we know full well that it’s easy to sleepwalk into fascism, we (hopefully) know the true meaning of ‘woke’ but alas, we are where we are as a society and in England at least, we don’t have that history of sporting protest in the same way that they do in say Germany, which, while not perfect, certainly gives greater weight to the voice of the fans.

This is equally applicable to clubs who sign, protect and support players accused of heinous crimes. We need to keep making our voices heard, to let them know that we’re not just going to accept this and to call out those who chose to spread untruths and inaccuracies about the cases.

Should we be boycotting our clubs though? At the risk of sounding like a mad libertarian I think that’s a personal choice. At some point in the future these owners, these players won’t be at the club and they probably weren’t there when you started to support the team. More power to those that remove their support until these issues are resolved but for now, I don’t think we should judge those that do continue to support their clubs too harshly. In what is already a pretty shitty era to be living through we need all the joy we can wring from our lives.

Full Time

Things that have made me happy in Football this week

I am never getting over this. Never. Has he ever been hotter? I think not!

Even the French NT admin got in on the act.

The result may have displeased me but Luton delivered on the crowd front

The story behind his presence at the match is lovely.

Peter Drury talking about how often he thinks about the Roman Empire is delightful

I promised more Black History Month content so here we go:

Love Football Hate Racism are posting some of the Black pioneers of the men’s and women’s game across the month. Here’s a taster but do go to their Twitter for more.

This is a nice article from England about the Black women who’ve played for England. That they can all be fit into a nice neat article is of course a problem and it’s well documented that women’s football in this country has issues with diversity but it’s good to celebrate those who have made it.

Shirt of the Week

It was another easy one this week. Step forward Napoli and the 23/24 Halloween shirt.

Napoli have an absurd number of limited edition shirts each year and tbh, and I’m sorry to shit on what is a nice fluffy section usually, it’s not really that great. You can’t expect fans to keep up with the cost of buying them all and it’s hardly a sustainable practice (nor, it can be argued, is having a fresh set of shirts every year which most clubs except, off the top of my head, Brentford, do).

Having said that, this year’s offering is lovely and was launched with a appropriately spoopy video.

WAIT! A late contender for Shirt of the Week has made itself known.

Thirst Trap

To be honest, all I want to do is repost all the pics of Olivier Giroud in goal at the weekend because well, look at them, they’re just up there, fuuuuck. BUT, he’s already been a Thirst Trap and although I have done repeats I do try my best not to.

So this week let’s salute another [former] Milan player, the adorable short king that is Brahim Diaz.

He’s so fucking cute I can’t stand it and he’s a nice little player too imo. Sure he’s not the best but he can step up when he needs to. Also, the way his fringe flops in his eyes moves me.

So there we are, another week done, before we know it it’ll be the end of the season and we’ll be looking forward to the Euros in Germany and [something I typed about a player getting injured then deleted because I didn’t want to manifest it].

If you’re feeling silly you can take these two weeks to nominate TWUTAB in the FSA Awards, if you can work out which category to put it into. I think it’s category 6 but it’s confusing! And if you’re feeling generous you can sign up to the paid version of the newsletter. Or why not do both? As always, the reward is my eternal love.

I’ll be having a break next week, but will be roaring back on the 23rd with all the news from the Merseyside derby (even though I’ve just scheduled a Halloween tattoo at 12 and it kicks off at 12:30) and everything else that happens that weekend.

Until then, enjoy your fortnights, if you’re going to be at the Emirates on Sunday for Arsenal Villa I might see you there, but otherwise I hope you have a lovely chilled time and get a chance to catch up on anything you might have been ignoring in favour of watching endless hours of football (or is that just me? Just me? OK). Au revoir! 👋🏼