Paint The Town Red
Kick Off
North London is red. So is West London. *earpiece crackles* East London too. South London as well? I take it back then: LONDON is red.
5-0, 0-6, 5-0 and then… 2-3. Spurs were always going to be the biggest test of the London clubs, with due respect to the others (especially Fulham and West Ham who actually managed to beat us) but for a while, despite the endless stream of tweets saying how badly we were playing, it looked like it was going to be easy.
An own goal, which silenced the Spurs fans; and I mean literally silenced, I’ve never heard (or should that be not heard) anything like it, I wasn’t even sure we’d scored, even the commentary was subdued, was followed by a sublime Saka goal that came off the back of a gorgeous Kai Havertz pass, and then Kai got on the scoresheet himself with a header.
Of course, as always always happens when watching Arsenal Football Club, falling into a sense of calm and security is a dangerous thing, and on the 64th minute, Raya made a blunder that gave Romero a free hit, which he took with aplomb.
Losing one goal when you’ve already got three under your belt shouldn’t be too much of an issue, even with 30+ minutes to go (32 as it happened), you regroup, you tighten up, you go for a bolstering fourth goal. Which is what we did, Raya focused hard and didn’t let the mistake get to him, we defended deep and in large numbers and still tried to get another goal.
Unfortunately, Declan Rice made the decision, on the 87th minute, or thereabouts, that Ben Davies shouldn’t have any more kids, so took it upon himself to kick his testicles clean off. Waved away by Michael Oliver, remarkably, I wonder what angle he saw it from, VAR intervened, sent him to the screen *makes TV sign with hands* and a penalty was awarded.
Despite his heroics against Porto, Raya was never going to save it, which set up a final nine minutes of sheer and utter terror. It didn’t happen but I wouldn’t have been surprised if my watch hadn’t beeped to tell me my heart rate was dangerously high and was I having a heart attack? It was hell. HELL. But we did it, we held on and haven’t lost an NLD since that awful, horrible game in the 21/22 season.
It keeps Arsenal on top, even though - ‘say the line Bart!’ - City won.
It’s now a two horse race, after Liverpool lost the Merseyside derby and couldn’t get more than a draw against West Ham, but I think we all the know that really, it’s a one horse race. City aren’t going to drop points now and there’s every chance the impossible to understand Manchester United will beat us, it’s certainly the fixture I’m most worried about and find having it as our penultimate game revolting. And tbh, Bournemouth might even beat us! They came close last season and they’re in a rich vein of form.
Still, one thing to remember is that yesterday ensured we’ll once again have Champions League football at the Emirates and gave us St Totteringham’s Day, and of course, let’s not forget this:
Elsewhere, I’ve already mentioned the Liverpool and City results but there were other games played at the weekend.
On Saturday evening it was nice to have two games, the results of which would have zero impact on Arsenal, that featured any teams I don’t have especially strong feelings for, which I could simply eat my tea in front of and relax.
“Relax” probably wasn’t the right word for the Everton Brentford game, it went much further than that to the point of making me comatose. Everton prevailed but it was just a very boring game with very little quality.
Throughout I was praying for Villa, who have been very good this season, and Chelsea, who have been a joy to watch this season, to turn up. And they did!
Villa took the lead early via Marc Cucurella, a comedy figure at the best of times, scoring an own goal, which was followed on 41 minutes by a Morgan Rogers banger. In the second half, the swoonsome Noni Madueke scored and the draw was sealed by a fantastic Conor Gallagher goal. Chelsea did score late on to seemingly get the win, but it was chalked off for a shove on Diego Carlos.
Anyway, I love Chelsea this season, you’re always guaranteed a good time when you watch them but they’re not good enough to worry about (and they have a couple of hotties, even if one is out for the rest of the season 😫).
The rest of the league saw Luton fall further into danger with a loss to Wolves, Manchester United couldn’t hold on and sent Burnley home with a draw and Bournemouth’s form continued while Brighton’s didn’t as they former beat the latter 3-0. The basically pointless fixture between Fulham and Palace ended 1-1.
Finally though, we go up to St James’s Park where Newcastle took on Sheffield United. A loss would seal Sheffield’s very obvious fate but for a while, it looked like maybe they had some fight left in them, after a goal from their captain, the homophobe Anel Ahmedhodžić with just five minutes played.
But then Newcastle got into gear. A goal from Isak, a goal from Bruno, an OG and a goal from the lesser spotted Callum Wilson and… cheerio Sheffield United! Bye! Don’t let the door hit you on the way out! 👋🏼
With apologies to any Sheffield United fans reading but they’ve stunk up the league and I won’t miss them. I was tricked early on by their lovely yellow warm up tops and away kit and I knew nothing of Ahmedhodžić and stooped to adding him as a Thirst Trap but I’ve learned my lesson and I’m glad they’re going, even if it means we get Leicester back 🤢
In Europe, most of the leagues are sewn up now. Leverkusen, Inter and yesterday PSG have all sealed their respective championships and Real winning is just a formality.
The interesting thing to keep an eye on now is who’s going to get relegated. And, are Bayer Leverkusen going to have an entirely invincible season? I wouldn’t put it past them! They did it again this weekend with an equaliser against Stuttgart on 90+6. They now have just seven games (three league, three UEL and the Pokal final) to get through…
Half Time
Another week where in these torrid times I feel compelled not to write about the shit things that are happening so instead, a recommendation.
One of my favourite accounts across all social media is Arcane Bullshit’s Instagram. I love it so so much, as followers who view my stories will testify. They’ve also just released a book which I received on Saturday (it’s a pre-order but I was one of the crowdfunders) and am very excited to crack open.
Full Time
Sorry not sorry but this is going to be NLD heavy this week. And me heavy! I’ve done some good tweets this week!
A hero was revealed at the end of the game
I love this tweet, it made me feel warm, it just seems like such a lovely thing to say!
Luton fans on their way to Molineux
Context for this here. Warning: John Terry.
If you didn’t see my QT, this is a fantastic pic posted by Frosinone’s account
Drip of the Week
Just one this week, this gorgeous retro kit, Palermo 1996 home kit, via Classic Football Shirts. You know I always say you can’t beat a black kit? Well the same applies to pink kits too.
Thirst Trap
Fuck it, we just won the NLD so let’s go with a classic NLD scamp, Theo Walcott.
Theo’s always been cute, firstly because he was young and, well, cute (like, cute cute) and then he got older and blossomed into someone worthy of a place in the Thirst Trap Hall of Fame.
His appearances on Sky Sports have been a delight and I would happily listen to him talk all day long because not only is he actually insightful, he has such a wonderful, calming voice. Their kids’ bedtime must be a piece of piss for Melanie, just send him up to read them a story and they’re out like a light.
Anyway, welcome Theo, you deserve it ✌🏼🫡
So there we have it. Another jam packed week over with and only three to go! Has it crept up on anyone else? Feels like we had ages left and all of a sudden…
It’s the European semis this week, only Dortmund for me to worry about, and god I hope they beat the evil PSG, everything else I can just relax and enjoy it (until it reaches the tipping point in a game where I’m no longer neutral).
Have a great week, probably no newsletter next week because it’s a Bank Holiday but you never know, and if any of you are going to Wrighty’s House on Thursday I will see you there!