Pink to Make the Goalies Wink
Pink to Make the Goalies Wink
The Week In Ball
Another week, another jam packed schedule that makes me wonder whether this is even useful being weekly. How can you send out a newsletter on a Monday, raving about something that happened the Wednesday before when so much will have happened after that as well?
It is what it is though and until someone decides to pay me £50K+ to write this so I can quit my job, weekly it is!
So with that in mind, let's take a whirlwind tour of what went on between Monday and Thursday last week.
You may remember last time I spoke about not wanting to mathematically rule out Barcelona vying for La Liga, well, I'm nothing if not a curse as they went on to lose on Monday to a defiant Cadiz side. I didn't watch much of it but it seemed to be in much the same vein as Arsenal against Southampton the weekend before, a frustrating 1-0 loss. However, on Thursday they stopped the rot and managed to scrape their own frustrating 1-0 win against Real Sociedad, thanks to an Aubameyang goal [warning, the phrase frustrating 1-0 in relation to Barcelona may well appear again in this newsletter].
On Tuesday the Milan derby was played to see who'd secure their spot in the final of the Coppa Italia with Inter winning 3-0 on the day and on aggregate. The second spot was taken by Juve on Wednesday, after they beat Fiorentina 2-0, increasing their 1-0 advantage from the first leg. This set up a derby d'Italia final which *Graham Kelly voice* will take place on the 11th May 2022.
There was more cup action in Germany with four clubs fighting for a place in the DFB Pokal final. The Pokal has simply the best trophy of any club competition in my book. A gaudy mess of a cup, fit only for a Nazi to drink from, in the misguided belief it's the Holy Grail. I love it.
This round was fought between Hamburger SV and SC Freiburg and RB Leipzig and Union Berlin. Last year's defeated finalists Leipzig dispatched Union and in the other game SC Freiburg reached their first ever Pokal final. I don't think it takes a genius to work out that everyone should be #TeamFreiburg.
Finally this week there were yet more changes in the race for the Premier League top four as Arsenal faced Chelsea and Liverpool faced Manchester United.
Having already seen off United with a 5-0 drubbing at the Theatre of Dreams earlier this season, Liverpool did the same at Anfield, dispatching them with aplomb, 4-0. The performance by United was poor, really poor and it broke Roy Keane. Despite being angry bearded Keano he was flat, deflated, no longer mad, but simply disappointed.
On Wednesday I spent most of the day feeling sick at the thought of a mauling by Chelsea, live on TV. When the teams were announced I was not soothed. With the greatest respect to our squad, who I love, there are some names that you see and your heart sinks. Humiliation was on the cards I assumed. And yet, and yet...
Taking the lead after 11 minutes with an Eddie Nketiah goal, there followed a ping pong where Chelsea fired back, we scored a second and they then equalised again. However, in the second half Eddie struck again and we held on until stoppage time when a (yes, soft) penalty was awarded and stepping up for the first time since the Euros last year, Bukayo Saka sealed the win.
This put Arsenal level on points with Spurs, in fifth on goal difference, pushing United into sixth.
Briefly, elsewhere Everton clung on to get a desperately needed point against Leicester, especially as Burnely pulled out a fantastic performance against Southampton, beating them 2-0. Brighton were unable to keep City at bay and so the title race remains on a knife edge, with City in the driving seat. Finally, Newcastle continued their rich vein of form beating Palace 1-0 with an excellent goal from Almiron following a superb pass from Guimarães who is starting to show what a brilliant player he is.
The weekend started on Friday afternoon with Barcelona Femeni beating Wolfsburg 5-1 in the first leg of the UWCL Semi Final; on Saturday Lyon scraped the advantage 3-2 against PSG. The deciders (though let's face it, Wolfsburg are unlikely to mount a comeback so that one's pretty much done) are next Saturday with the final on the 21st May.
On Saturday the Premier League opened with the much anticipated Arsenal Manchester United match. As with Wednesday I felt sick, SICK, with nerves beforehand. Whilst it's easy to write off United after many of their performances, you just never can tell and the same can be said for Arsenal.
The game started brilliantly with some awful defending allowing a Nuno Tavares tap in at the far post. Game on. From then the game felt edgy and a bit sloppy. No-one was appalling but certain players need to be less rash and perhaps calm down a bit. I was interested to read a tweet from James of the gunnerblog that said he didn't believe the performance was that nervy and perhaps this was projection from people watching. I think that's fair. There's sloppiness, there's not being fully on your game, there's definitely being over-excited or too wound up, but I'd definitely err towards nerves not being the major issue.
However after half an hour we had a situation where a goal was scored, only to be marginally offside and therefore chalked off. What made it bizarre was that there was then a penalty check, after a foul by Alex Telles on Saka. It was given and Saka put it away with ease.
Moments later United scored to keep themselves in the game. I definitely wouldn't call it uneventful for the next twenty minutes, as I did a lot of shrieking and covering my face and desperately felt the need to chug my blood pressure pills, but there were no goals.
That was until Nuno brought down Matic in the area and a penalty was awarded. Fernandes stepped up to take it, I took my glasses off, covered my face, put them back on, took them off, peeped through my fingers, put them back on again and then he hopped, skipped... and missed... I've never let out such a loud cackle in all my life (sorry United fans reading this, you know how it is though right?!) It was perfection.
What followed after that however, after a weird fumble in the box where Arsenal nearly scored, was a rocket from Granit Xhaka. My dear, beloved Xhaka. So maligned, so misunderstood, so brilliant and fierce and with a foot like a traction engine. And so the game ended 3-1 and we moved above Spurs into 4th, temporarily perhaps, until they took on Brentford in the early evening kick off.
So let's go straight there. A game dominated in so many ways by one man, Christian Eriksen. I'm certainly not going to deny having an unhealthy interest in him since he came back to the Premier League but the coverage of him during this match was one of the most intense things I've ever seen. The director was obsessed with him. No shot was complete unless he was in it. The camera followed his every move. It was nice to see him in the tunnel greeting his old teammates, it was lovely to see him on the pitch being brilliant and handsome but it was also a lot. He was followed doing his lap of honour at the end of the game (utterly heartwarming and delightful to see him getting such a wonderful reception and being so generous with his time) and then he was put through having to be interviewed by King of Cringe, Jamie Redknapp. The game, if you missed it, ended 0-0, it's not like he even scored or assisted against his old team.
The 0-0 was the second best result for Arsenal, leaving them in fourth and with a two point advantage. If we know anything in football it's that it's impossible to accurately predict the future so it may well come down to the rescheduled North London Derby, which is being played on the 12th May, just ten days before the end of the season.
On Sunday there were three 2 o'clock kick offs. Chelsea eked past West Ham via a Pulisic goal, after a missed Jorginho penalty seemed to sum up their afternoon. Brighton blew a 2-0 lead to share the points with Southampton in the battle for...nothing. Finally and most importantly, Burnley won against Wolves, pushing Everton into the bottom three just in time for...
The Merseyside Derby.
On paper, the teams were no contest. Liverpool should have easily battered Everton, especially after Michael Keane, not having his best season, had to be drafted in at last minute to replace Ben Godfrey. But, as many Liverpool fans expected, Everton closed down the game and while they let Liverpool play (the possession stats were extremely one-sided), they didn't allow them the spaces they thrive in. Add in a hefty dose of shithousery and the first half left the Reds frustrated.
In the second half Liverpool finally made a breakthrough via Andy Robertson after just over an hour. This was followed by a second on 85 minutes by super sub and Liverpool Legend, Divock Origi. Now, obviously plenty more than this happened, there were penalty shouts, fights, possible red cards and more but I don't have the time to fully delve into that without making this even longer than it already is, so we'll leave it at the result, which keeps the table as-was, with City just about in pole position, a point ahead of Liverpool. Will either of them slip up? Only time will tell...
In Spain there was only one La Liga game this weekend, a disappointing and frustrating 1-0 Barcelona loss to Rayo Vallecano. Instead, it was the Copa Del Rey final, contested by Real Betis and Valencia.
Because the Spanish are insane this game kicked off at 9:30pm and didn't conclude until nearly 1am, after extra time and penalties.
The game had ended 1-1 with no goals being scored after the 30 minute mark. Having not shelled out for Premier TV I didn't watch this but it was exciting to follow on Twitter and finally see Betis, with my beloved Hector (and recent Thirst Trapee Marc Bartra), come out on top.
In Germany and France, Bayern Munich and PSG respectively were crowned league Champions. Bayern for a record tenth title in a row and PSG gaining their 9th title. I can't find it in myself to be happy about either of these results and with Madrid looking like they'll seal La Liga shortly we're left to the Premier League and Serie A to provide excitement.
Which is where we wrap up this week. Starting on Saturday, where Inter managed to halt Roma's unbeaten run and push themselves to the top of the table again to Sunday, where Empoli, an out of form team in the lower reaches of the table, stunned Napoli by coming back from 0-2 down to win 3-2.
This just leaves us with Milan. They played Lazio, both desperately wanting to win. Milan to go back to the top of the table and keep their Scudetto hopes alive, Lazio to leapfrog their city rivals Roma into the Europa League spot.
Within minutes, leading Serie A goalscorer Ciro Immobile put Lazio ahead, a scoreline they managed to hold onto until the man himself, dreamboat Olivier Giroud, put Milan level on the 50th minute. There followed a further 40 minutes of end to end action with neither team able to capitalise on their chances, until, not long after being declared 'just not very good' by someone I follow (hi Danny, follow me back yeah?) Sandro Tonali popped up to scramble home the winner on 90+2. At that point, having told myself I was being silly and I don't really care and I'm just a johnny come lately who's only really started watching Serie A this year and I have no right to give a shit, I YELLED so I dunno, maybe I do actually care ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ . Four games left (five for Inter), can Milan do it?
And this is where we leave it for this issue. We have the European semis this week across all three competitions, in which there's a strong possibility of an overall English winner in each (please god not Leicester though, I beg you), Leeds play Palace tonight in a bid to stave off being dragged into the relegation scrap and on Thursday United face potentially more humiliation as Chelsea visit Old Trafford.
Kick Off
I'm stumped for things to write in this section, something that's evolved from dealing with basic positional, tactical and formational breakdowns to a more 'what are the issues in football today' section. So this week I thought I'd choose violence and quickly go through some controversies/incidents from the weekend and clear them up for you, upsetting many of you along the way no doubt 😈
Cedric Handball - ok so I'm biased here of course and I can admit that there did seem to be a little bit of a scooping motion but the law is quite clear that if a player is falling on top of the ball then it's not handball. Sorry.
Gavi Foul - in the Barcelona Rayo match last night, Gavi was very obviously brought down in the area during the mammoth 13 minutes of time added on. No penalty was given however as there was an offside in the build up. For the same reason that no action was taken when Pickford murdered Van Dijk, no action was taken here. Offside, rightly or not (the logic being I guess that any action afterwards wouldn't matter to whether or not a goal was scored as it would've been ruled out anyway, even if it does mean it's something that severely injures someone) trumps any other offence.
Tonali's Last Minute Goal Celebration - this is controversial because you should not, under any circumstances, rip off your shirt in joy if you're wearing an undershirt. Where's the fun in that? You should also be given extra points for giving the people what they want, not yellow carded.
Anthony Gordon's Dive - act like a little bitch and you'll get treated like one.
Panenkas - keep 'em coming. Football needs comedy. Especially if they're like Jorginho's "backpass". 10/10. No notes.
Football 'eritage
Last week's Football 'eritage was a heavy one, so I'm swerving completely in the other direction this week for something utterly ridiculous.
After watching the Top Ten show with Gary Lineker, Micah Richards and Alan Shearer I've heard this come up a couple of times and I also very much remember it happening and the complete uproar it caused.
It is the infamous pre-Euro 96 incident: The Dentist's Chair.
The team were in a Hong Kong nightclub, barely dressed as you can see, drunk as you can see, being lairy and louty as, um, you can see. It was 1996, it was cool to be like that. TFI Friday and Chris Evans' escapades were massive, Ladettes ruled, Oasis were at their peak of popularity, even pretty middle class boys Blur were getting in on the act with the lairy Country House video. What else were we to expect from a group of young, cash rich men?
There's so much pressure on young England players to conform to certain strict rules that only the press know and they'll only mention when broken, it's been like that forever, faux moralising in the pursuit of sales.
I think we can all see that the night got out of hand, but it strikes me as no different to a rowdy stag do. I don't think I'd enjoy being around it but as long as it does no material harm I'm not going to get too up in arms about it.
Anyway the dentist's chair itself involved being held down in an old barber's chair while bottles of booze were poured down your throat. Getting as much booze in you as quickly as possible is a game as old as time and one I'm sure many Fleet Street journalists were adept at.
By all accounts it proved excellent for team bonding and after a shaky start against Sweden in the Euros, it was time to play Scotland, much like we did in Euro 2020.
England took the lead via an Alan Shearer strike, then David Seaman saved a Gary McAllister penalty. Moments after, Rangers player Paul Gascoigne, the player who received the brunt of the newspapers' ire after the nightclub incident, galloped down the pitch, flipped the ball over Colin Hendry and scored. What happened next is perhaps, the most infamous moment of all the Dentist's Chair events:
Shearer, Redknapp and McManaman ran to a spread eagled Gazza and re-enacted the event, squirting water down his throat from a plastic sports bottle. It was brilliant, cheeky and shoved it in the face of the red tops.
And to top it all off, despite the anguish over the effect it would all have on England's Euro 96 campaign they got to the semis, only to be beaten on penalties by, who else, Germany.
The {Offside} Thirst Trap
This week, finally, is someone who is the subject of many conversations on Twitter between me and my similarly inclined mutuals.
He’s handsome, sexy, funny (in an interview, when asked what his favourite position was, he answered “in football?”) and seems like an all round nice guy. Plus he’s a wizard on the pitch and has an extremely ear-worm worthy chant.
It is of course Thiago Alcantara.
Merch Stand
NWSL side NJ/NY Gotham FC launched a sweet 90s collection last week, you can see it and the promo video here
A New Formation finally came out on Thursday and my copy arrived in my grubby little paws on Friday. I've yet to start it but I'll provide a review when I do and I'd encourage you all to get a copy!
Crystal Palace, who's social initiatives and campaigning fanbase I've come to admire greatly this season, have launched a new 'Made in South London' range, with 25% of the profits going to Palace for Life which helps young people through sport.
Extra Time
Eintracht's second hottest player Christopher Lenz shows us his skills. I'd like to see him try it with a hacky sack...(one for the kids there lol)
A funny, though sadly accurate representation of Barcelona
Which leads us to...
[tweet https://twitter.com/jj_bull/status/1516780053983645701]
This made me roar. Whenever I experience a lull in conversation from now on I'm going to shout "But hang on a minute - here's Rondon!"
As mentioned in the Week in Ball I just cannot handle all the feelings Christian gives me🥲
Seriously now Christian, stop it 😭
My beautiful Brazilian son🥹
My beautiful English sons with my French and Dutch, um, Daddies?
Pellegrini's tracksuit is a thing of pure beauty (I also think this is just a really cool picture of him).
Finally do make sure you listen to this WONDERFUL episode of Wrighty's House. Ian was inducted into the Premier League Hall of Fame last week and he deserves every accolade going. Hearing him speak about his time in football is a privilege and we're so lucky we get to listen to it every damn week! 💐💐💐💐💐
Finally, I asked this on Twitter yesterday and am extending it here; let me know your pick: Ignoring the table, if you could choose, who would you want to be relegated?📉
That's it for this week! I'm on a mission to get 73 new subscribers in the next two weeks so do tell your friends, family and lovers, or if you're reading this online perhaps consider subscribing as well! ❤️
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