Set Faesers to Stun
Happy New Year everyone!
New year, new-ish TWUTAB. Nothing radical! Just a couple of small tweaks to keep things fresh and interesting, in short, there’ll be a round-up, a look at the news and issues of the week, links to fun and interesting stuff, the Thirst Trap and a new ‘Shirt of the Week’ section. So without further ado, the newsletters.
Kick Off
Football has been back for a week and we’re already on our third ‘gameweek’ so that gives you an indication of just how crammed the schedule is at the moment. I think we have matches featuring Premier League clubs on every day until around the 15th or 16th Jan? Maybe even after that. It is literally non-stop.
Briefly then, on Boxing Day (and the 27th and the 28th), which I already touched on last issue, nothing too wild happened. Arsenal won, City won, Newcastle, Liverpool, Chelsea and United won, as did Brighton, Fulham and Wolves. Only Spurs and Brentford drew (with each other). I don’t think we learned anything new or were shocked in any way and the table remained as is, although we did have a brief moment of Newcastle being 2nd before City played.
The “New Year” gameweek began on Friday with what I enjoy calling a ‘behind closed doors’ (not on TV) game between West Ham and Brentford, which ended 0-2 to the Bees.
The box office match on Friday however was Liverpool v Leicester. There’s no sugar coating this, both teams were woeful and only one managed to score any goals, even though Liverpool ended up winning 2-1.
In what was one of the most hilarious and most purely Barclays moments of the season so far, Leicester’s Wout Faes somehow managed to score two absolutely ridiculous own goals.
The first couldn’t have been done if he tried I’m sure. An attempted looping clearance that ended up high over Danny Ward’s head and dropping into the net, it was a thing of pure nonsense and wonder. These things happen though right? You don’t hear the (very clear) keeper’s shout, your body isn’t in the position you thought it was, you simply get a rush of blood to the head. Don’t worry, we’ve all been there.
But how many people have managed to do it again, even more clumsily. My poor, sweet Darwin fluffed his lines yet again, hitting the post with what was, frankly, a pretty easy looking chance, only for Wout to come blundering in and pretty much walk the ball into the net. As a long time Leicester hater it couldn’t have been more hilarious. I shrieked, I cackled, I gasped. I was desperate for a hattrick but alas, it was not to be.
On Saturday Manchester United kicked off the day’s games against Wolves, with Marcus Rashford being left on the bench for a ‘disciplinary issue’. Of course this sent Twitter and the pundits into utter meltdown only for him to come on at half time, score the winning goal and then laugh when he revealed it was because he overslept and was late to a team meeting.
In the 3pms, lowly Everton held City to a 1-1 draw which held the door open for Arsenal to take a 7 point lead if they managed to beat Brighton and gave me some never before felt positive feelings towards Everton. Elsewhere Fulham and Palace won and Newcastle were held by Leeds.
Which brings us, of course, to my beloved Arsenal. Brighton always worry me, they feel like a banana skin waiting to happen. My fears were eased somewhat after Saka scored within the first 90 seconds. But still, you know what we’re like…
2-0 up at half time and another goal almost immediately from the restart though and it all seemed to be going fantastically. Then Brighton got one back and even though you’d think that 3-1 was still comfortable I will never rest until the final whistle and I was right not to! Even after a fourth goal from Martinelli after an orgasmic pass from Martin Ødegaard it still didn’t feel done. It wasn’t an unfounded fear as Brighton managed to pull another back and then another, which was thankfully chalked off after a VAR review. So we did it, a 2-4 win leaving us 7 points clear of City. Newcastle next…
The final two games of the year were a 2-0 win for Villa over a sluggish and extremely poor Spurs and a 1-1 draw between Chelsea and Forest. I see so much despair among my Spurs mutuals and I get it, it feels terrible when your club is doing badly but more importantly, when they’re not just doing badly but look like they don’t give a shit. Arsenal fans have been through it, and recently! It makes you feel sluggish and like you don’t give a shit, which is why it’s even more important to celebrate the good times, they could be gone in a hot second.
So that was it for the seasonal gameweeks. I know we’ve had a game since but let’s leave that for next week’s round up.
Elsewhere, La Liga returned and with it came Antonio Mateu Lahoz, reffing the Barcelona derby between Barcelona and Espanyol. It was, to say the least, eventful
Like much of La Liga it ended in a draw, 1-1, which keeps Barcelona on top, ahead of Madrid, by goal difference.
Ligue 1 also came back at the same time as the Premier League. As mentioned in the last issue, but which bears repeating, Neymar got sent off in his first game back from the World Cup after he received a second yellow for diving. I’m a fan.
This week, the Neymar-less PSG lost 3-1 to high flying Lens who are now second in the league, just four points behind PSG and ahead of Marseilles and Rennes.
Serie A returns tomorrow with a full day of fixtures, so phone calls pending, I may well indulge in Salernitana v Milan.
Half Time
RIP Pelé
What can be said about Pelé that hasn’t already been said? Growing up he was football. Still is. I found it very moving that many of the tributes to him, especially those from Brazil, styled his life as 1940 - ∞ for he is eternal. I don’t really have anything to add to the many many tributes that have been pouring in but wanted to acknowledge his life and his legacy.
Full Time
This week we’ve seen Cody Gakpo sign for Liverpool, a move that seemingly came out of nowhere. Can he be the player to rescue their form? (My 2p - only time will tell but probably not).
Leah Williamson is this month’s Women’s Health cover star. To read the full interview you need to buy the magazine, but they’ve published some snippets online.
Infantino continues his campaign to be the most odious, shameless piece of shit around.
Something from the World Cup which I enjoyed
An inexplicably popular throwaway tweet I wrote yesterday
Hector remains a don
Shirt of the Week
This week’s shirt is a true beauty from Ligue 1 side Lorient. Terrazzo is very cool in interiors right now, a quick google brings up cutting boards, sliders, duvet covers, plant pots, bowls and its intended form, actual tiles.
Lorient have run with this and put a classic terrazzo design on their third kit for the 22/23 season and it’s really lovely. One that looks great both in flat lay and on the body/pitch.
Thirst Trap
To quote Jennifer Coolidge’s Tanya McQuoid in The White Lotus, ‘I live for beauty’ and so the Thirst Trap has moved to the end of the newsletter, to where it can be best appreciated, rather than tucked away somewhere in the middle.
This week I’ve been having a real struggle thinking about who to include. All the big hitters have been done and I’ve not really been feeling my usual thirsty self lately but I’ve finally settled one someone.
That someone is a gentle soul. Someone who seems soft and kind and an all round nice guy, which is what you want sometimes, right? He’s had a recent glow up (I never liked the shaved head) and has been performing brilliant for club and country. He’s also just incredibly cute. Friends, this week’s Thirst Trap is Luke Shaw.
(While we’re here, don’t listen to anyone who tells you he’s 6’1”)
That’s all for this week! Hope you’ve enjoyed the first TWUTAB of 2023. It’s my birthday this month (29th) so you have to be extra nice to me and maybe tell all your friends to sign up too (also my Kofi link is below, just saying… I’m not made of money and really want the LEGO Mos Eisley Cantina *nerd face*).
Anyway, enough of that! Have a great week and I’ll be back next Monday (note to self, today is not Monday) with the return of Serie A and FA Cup action.