The Pitch Is Back

Before we get into the Good Stuff, I want to start with this, just in case the title of this edition gives you as much of an earworm as it did me :)

Kick Off

Hello friends! I hope you all enjoyed the off season and managed to take a breather from football. Last season felt particularly draining (maybe just because I’m an Arsenal fan??) and for the longest time I felt like I wasn’t mad that the season wasn’t coming back for a while. (Although, despite the title of this edition, the football never stops. There have been internationals, pre-season tours, friendlies, weird cups no-one has ever heard of and of course the Women’s World Cup (excellent coverage of which is being provided by all the usual suspects, you know who they are). It. Never. Stops. )

But then it started looming. I went to the US to watch a number of pre-season games (Chelsea Brighton in Philadelphia, Arsenal Barcelona in LA and Man United Dortmund in Las Vegas)

and while I was there, there were ads on the TV for the new season which got my juices flowing. Then on Friday the excitement hit and now here we are.

This week we saw the start of the Premier League, Ligue 1 and La Liga. The Bundesliga and Serie A join the party next week. I watched around 24 hours of football over this weekend, 15.25 of which were consecutive on Saturday, so forgive the length of this!

The Premier League kicked off on Friday with Burnley v. Manchester City.

City won.

(Their away shirts are gorgeous though, pricks)

On Saturday the day’s action began at the Emirates with Arsenal v Nottingham Forest.

After a farcical 30 minute delay the game finally started and, despite a scare from Brennan Johnson who was clear on goal and managed to spoon his effort over the bar, Arsenal took the lead via Eddie Nketiah in the 26th minute.

This was followed six minutes later by a rocket from Bukayo Saka, which went in just as the Lionesses were confirmed to be in the semi-final of the World Cup.

In the second half things looked comfortable and then Forest brought on Anthony Elanga and I knew, knew, that the narrative wouldn’t allow an ex-United player to go away with nothing from the game and so it played out. Forest broke after an Arsenal corner and scored and stunning goal. Yes, the goal was Awoniyi’s but the work was all Elanga. He was so quick and nifty and ran most of the pitch and away from Arsenal’s grasp.

It made for a horrible final ten minutes and despite the win being secure it left me feeling a little flat and disappointed. And to be frank I don’t even have the lofty expectations every other fan and pundit seems to have for the team this year!

For the 3pm games I had to suffer through Soccer Saturday now that TNT have binned Sport Score. God it’s bad. I’m forgiving of Simon Thomas and Mike Dean as they’re new to this and will need time to find their rhythm and bed in but I can’t forgive the pundits, all of whom have been doing this for years. I also found there was no warmth, no humour in it. It was all so sterile. Really hope either TNT have a rethink or SS improves over the season because I’m not doing the 3s dry (nor am I reducing myself to Final Score, I’m not completely mental.)

Then it was time for Newcastle Villa. Newcastle came out of the traps fast and furious and within six minutes my former Milan love Sandro Tonali had scored. Look how adorable he is here, the way his eyebrows move moves me!

It was a fast and furious game with Villa gaining parity again after only five minutes, but then Tyrone Mings went down with a horrible injury and it all started to fall apart for them.

Two goals from Isak, who looks incredible, were followed by a Wilson one and one from debutant Harvey Barnes.

Newcastle sit top of that table after the first round of games, only time will tell if they can keep up their momentum, especially when away from SJP and even more so when the extra Champions League games kick in.

On Saturday evening we had the culmination of several years of nonsense: Harry Kane playing for a team that isn’t Spurs.

Having signed for Bayern Munich early on Saturday morning he went straight into the squad for the Super Cup against RB Leipzig.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, whichever side of either the banter fence or the affection for Kane fence you sit, Bayern were pretty woeful and ended up losing to RBL and a Dani Olmo hattrick/masterclass.

It was also a chance to see the wonderful Xavi Simons who looked fantastic.

Sunday then, where we got the chance to see a couple of teams who’ve been on the managerial merry-go-round and my personal Thirst Trap Battle Royale.

First off, Brentford v Spurs. With Kane gone and Sonny now captain everyone was eager to see if we were ushering in a New Age of Spurs. Unfortunately however, this only came in flashes and they look very shaky at the back. The new keeper, Vicario, definitely had the yips on several occasions. Brentford didn’t look wildly better though and in the end I think a draw was a fair result.

One this is clear though, my timeline is united in stanning Ange Postecoglou with his bluff Aussie-ness and kind but firm fatherly ways. That he essentially forced Cristian Romero off the pitch immediately after he scored due to worries about a head injury can only be a good thing.

Finally in the Premier League we had the big guns, Chelsea v Liverpool. Not only a top ranking fixture but one with added spice due to the ongoing saga surrounding Moises Caicedo and where he’s going to end up playing (it’s Chelsea, though I won’t believe it until he’s on their Twitter feed).

Given the history of these teams I was braced for a stagnant 0-0 but this was not to be! Yes it was a draw but it was end to end, fast and, for a non Liverpool or Chelsea fan, lots of fun.

Luis Diaz opened the scoring with a two footed slide onto a Salah pass, then Salah himself scored a beautiful goal that was sadly offside. Of course, I took the opportunity to RT Ryan Hunn’s iconic ‘spiritually offside’ tweet, despite the fact I’ve not seen the film the screenshot is from (is it Encanto? I don’t know!) and therefore don’t really understand it, but it’s a must post Football Twitter shorthand of the likes of “if I speak” “this is the history of Tottenham Hotspur” and “one normal day of Barclays”.

After that, by Jurgen Klopp’s and TAA’s own admission, things went a bit sideways for Liverpool, culminating in a goal for debutant Axel Disasi. This was followed by a Ben Chilwell goal that was, as with Salah, very clearly offside.

The second half continued on much the same vein with Chelsea having the better rub of the green and it continued to be an entertaining watch for the neutral.

For me however, the culmination of the afternoon came when Darwin Núñez came on and his hair slowly but surely worked its way out of its bun. I just - I cannot cope with it. Cannot cope at all. It’s so outrageously hot it left me speechless.

Oh? You think Darwin won the Thirst Trap Battle Royale? Well maybe on this occasion yes but he was given a good battle when Enzo, who I’ve honestly rarely seen shirtless on a football field, decided to swap shirts with Alexis and neither were wearing compression garments underneath. I know this isn’t the Thirst Trap section but praise the lord. Praise. The. Lord 🙏🏼

Finally let’s go quickly to the continent and check in on how Ligue 1 and La Liga are doing.

I was close, so close, to finally settling on a Ligue 1 team for this season, Lorient, whose shirts I love, but then they signed Benjamin Mendy so 🚮

They managed to hold the ever chaotic, Mbappé, Neymar and Messi-less PSG to a draw while Twitter darlings Rennes are top of the table after beating Metz 5-1. In fact, I don’t hate the top 5 at all.

Over in Spain La Liga kicked off with two games on Friday, with both away teams triumphing. Then on Saturday the new King was crowned when Jude Bellingham made his Real Madrid debut, scoring in the 36th minute and celebrating in front of the crowd at San Mames.

Afterwards he recorded a message in Spanish and posted this adorable tweet.

Reigning champions Barcelona started their campaign with a bitty and clumsy 0-0 draw at Getafe that was mired by bad refereeing and odd behaviour. Barcelona saw Raphinha and Xavi get sent off and Getafe also had Jaime Mata dismissed. Then right at the end Barça had a fairly decent penalty shout, only for a free kick to be awarded to Getafe for a Gavi handball.

But perhaps the wildest this was when Araújo did this.

And there we have it. We’re back BACK BACK! We still have the treat of Man United Wolves tonight before the Women’s World Cup semi finals tomorrow and Wednesday, followed by the final on Sunday, as well as the Bundesliga and Serie A starting their seasons.

Before you know it it’ll be Champions League time, Strictly will have started and you’ll be drinking pumpkin spice lattes…

Half Time

So much I could write about in this, the so-called serious section. I could talk about Saudi Arabia and Henderson’s legacy ruining move; I could talk about Benjamin Mendy and the depressing outpouring of support from his fellow professionals; I could, on a similar vein, speak about the ongoing Mason Greenwood situation and how badly it’s been handled*; I could even touch on the outrageous spending by the Premier League but in particular Chelsea.

However, it’s the first week of the season, so I want to keep it reasonably light (and let’s face it, there’s sadly going to be no shortage of situations as described above to keep this section going) and instead talk about the new rules that have been implemented by PGMOL and beyond this season.

As I tweeted over the weekend I’m normally fairly relaxed about new rules that come in. Sure some might be frustrating or illogical but I always err on the side of believing that eventually the authorities will notice and tweak them to improve them (yes I’m a giddy optimist). In addition, some might be annoying but have clearly been brought in to protect the physical wellbeing of players and should, therefore, be accepted.

This weekend though we’ve seen a clampdown on “unsportsmanlike behaviour” and it’s driving me utterly bananas.

The first part of this is that only one person from a team’s staff can be at the front of the technical area. I understand that this is, presumably, meant to somehow protect the referee? But if a controversial situation occurs everyone is still surely going to run forward to protest? It’s baffling.

The second element is yellow cards for waving an imaginary yellow card and this is where I really lose my shit. We saw yesterday that Alexis Mac Allister was fouled (and very obviously fouled!) and “waved a card” at Anthony Taylor, it was then him that got the yellow card rather than Conor Gallagher who committed the foul.

Now, call me old fashioned, call me a gammon, but most people don’t watch football solely for the technical aspect of the game, right? We want spectacle and pantomime and above all else, entertainment. Stamping out every little funny bit of stuff players do (see the Emi Martinez Rule) just makes for a wholly sterile, frustrating experience. We need villains and shithousery. None of that damages the other players, it’s just part of the game.

Finally, I understand but am not a fan of the reasoning behind some of the excessive time added on as being to give the spectators what they paid for which is apparently the ball consistently in play. I think it was Gary Neville on Friday Night Football who said he’s never felt shortchanged going to a game because of how much the ball was in play and I agree. But then, Gary and I are in our forties so maybe it’s something “the kids” do care about ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

*I can’t leave this section with mentioning this, which is a sadly needed and righteous protest against Manchester United and the way they’ve handled the Mason Greenwood situation. We saw something similar before Arsenal’s opening game last season with the plane message and while it’s had no effect whatsoever on decisions made by the club we can’t allow ourselves to be silenced on this matter or, as the statement by the fan group Female Fans Against Greenwood’s Return says, normalise this.

Full Time

I want to start this section with this, for which I thank my good friend Lia Albers. We’ve been exchanging Ajax news all summer and I think this tops the lot. Just an absolutely wonderful self own from Edson. Lovely stuff.

My new favourite Arsenal team member? No it’s not Timber or Havertz, it’s Win! Look at her! I love her so much 🥹

Though I can’t pretend I’m not also fully in love with Kai, my sweet, handsome soft boi

The new La Liga logo looks like a coffee brand.

I really enjoyed this interview with Mike Dean. He seems like an alright guy but he needs a while to bed into Soccer Saturday because he’s not quite there yet.

This is perfection

Signing of the Season is definitely Daniel Sturridge to Sky. He was so good. Excellent punditry, serious when he needed to be serious, while still remaining accessible, gave praise and criticism where due and clearly has good rapport with the players. Plus his relationship with Roy Keane is great (yes we’re all making fun of Roy being grumpy and intolerant of the ‘banter’ but there was a moment where Sturridge was being genuinely complimentary about him and he looked bashful and pleased). The fact we also no longer have to contend with Martin Tyler and that TNT’s football package seems to have been trimmed for the worse, truly elevates Sky’s coverage.

Wonderful and important news that frankly is way way overdue and needs urgently addressing (though I can of course 100% understand why someone Black or Asian wouldn’t want to become an official).

Shirt of the Week

One area that hasn’t disappointed over the summer is shirts. I’ve given my thoughts on the Premier League here and although it’s not a vintage year by any means, there are definitely some nice bits on show.

Where the real treats occur however is abroad and in the lower leagues.

We begin in Atlanta, Georgia, with Peachtree FC and their collection from Icarus Football, who I wholly recommend following as they produce some gorgeous jerseys. I just think they’re very cool and unusual.

We then move to Team Tor who produce some stunning shirts for the Welsh leagues. This one for Rogerstone FC is a gorgeous work using the famous Portuguese tiles.

Maybe best to ignore their goalkeeper shirt for Llantwit Major though… (the teeth!)

The Greek Venezia, Athens Kallithea FC have also knocked it out of the park with their fashion forward offerings for 23/24

And FWIW, Venezia’s pre-match shirt is their standout this season.

Thirst Trap

The inaugural Thirst Trap of the 2023/24 season comes from a promoted team.

If you’ve seen my Hot List you’ll be familiar with him, he is, after all, the reason it even exists. After being in a football funk for most of the close season I was considering not even bothering, it felt a bit ick and I was, to be honest, cross and fed up with almost all male footballers.

But then I was idly scrolling one day and saw this tweet and it literally stopped me in my tracks.

These things can be a fluke though can’t they? So I immediately googled and was delighted to discover it wasn’t and that this 6’3” Bosnian Swede was as handsome and smouldering as the tweet suggested.

So congratulations Anel Ahmedhodžić, you’re the first thirst trap of the season.

And that’s that! Thank you for reading as always. Remember, I now offer a paid level. I have very very few subscribers so until that changes there won’t be any special perks or issues for anyone who signs up. I understand this isn’t necessarily an encouragement to do so but this takes time and effort to put together (more so since we can’t embed tweets and since my work have blocked all the google apps on the work laptop I usually write this on, meaning I can’t easily access my photos or the saved accents I had to use for foreign players’ names!) so consider it an act of appreciation.

Enjoy your week and I’ll be back next Monday when, maybe, it will have come home…