The Wire

Or, TWUTAB is THREE!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TWUTAB! We are THREE! When I started this back in 2021, just before the Euros, just, in a decision of pretty poor timing, before the end of the season, I never expected it to be what it is today, nor indeed still be a thing full stop. It was a silly whim, not something I ever thought people would actually enjoy, let alone in the numbers I’ve achieved.

It’s often said that there’s a place for everyone in football but it’s always felt like this is said to mean who and what a person is, whereas their content is always expected to be serious, knowledgeable, obsessive even. Of course there are funny and lighthearted content makers out there but I suppose what I’m trying to say is that I’ve never felt like I fit into a particular slot in any of it and that what I produce is flimsy and looked down on by quote unquote proper content makers. Imposter Syndrome eh? Gotta love it.

Anyway, the main thing is that I actually enjoy writing it, I enjoy that other people enjoy it, I think, on balance, there is a place for talking about football entirely as a fan; a fan who doesn’t always get tactics or positions, who doesn’t play or even really attend games, who, tbh, often sleeps through games on TV, barely uses her Athletic subscription and is prone to oversharing completely non football related stuff. Three years on and continually increasing my subscribers proves you think that too.

So thank you! Thank you for reading, for sharing, for telling me you like it. Buy me a “coffee” if you fancy, no pressure. Here’s to another three years?

Kick Off

“It’s going down to the wire”

How often have we heard that recently? Pundits, lathering themselves into a frenzy when, I assume, because nothing is actually concrete until it happens, City will win their historic fourth in a row title which yes, is a wonderful achievement (with all the caveats OF COURSE!) but is also, with respect to the two people I know and like who support them, very very boring.

In the past four seasons the Bundesliga has had two different champions, including a team who’ve never won it before, there have been three winners in La Liga, three in Serie A and even two in the most boring and most predictable league, Ligue 1.

You can absolutely argue that I’m being obtuse to make my argument and that City weren’t the winners just one season earlier than the timeframe I’m using, but I hope it’s also clear I’m using it for a specific reason, a reason that is not just “I hate City and everything they stand for and everything they do”.

And let’s face it, until it happens, it is going down to the wire. I hope to god it doesn’t go down to the last day, because I don’t think my nerves can take it. It was bad enough in 2019, being in a hotel in New York, trying to have a shower while various noises were emitted from the Liverpool supporter I was with, causing me to keep jumping in and out to see what was happening. It was also bad in 2022 when Villa took the lead against City.

No, I simply want to beat Manchester United and beat them well and then have a stress free game against Everton the week after. Please don’t take this as a statement of concession, it’s not, I just don’t believe City will lose any of their three remaining fixtures. If they didn’t have that game in hand I’d been feeling a lot more nervy but alas, as soon as they win that and leapfrog us in the table, I fear that is that.

I won’t be too disheartened though. The possibility of winning has kind of crept up on me this season. As I’ve mentioned many times, I suffered a lot of mental and in some ways physical damage last season. It was truly hateful. I will hold Bournemouth at home and Villa away in my heart for the rest of my life but I don’t ever again want to experience the period from the week before Liverpool away to the end of the season.

The way it’s happened this season has been surprising, it’s been delightful, it’s been weird. I’ve enjoyed the victories, some of which (City at home) still feel unreal. There are two games left and I just want to enjoy them. United though? Yeah, I won’t enjoy a second of that.

This is why I went all in for Crystal Palace v. United. As a fixture it had zero impact on Arsenal, on anything really, so it was just a fun watch, unless…well, I guess you’re used to it by now.

Obviously it started when there was no Fernandes on the team sheet, actually, that’s not true is it, it started when it was announced that Jarred Gillett would be wearing a ‘ref cam’ (that made him look like Terminator) to film him throughout the match. From that moment onwards there was either going to be some utter nonsense or it would be the dullest game you’ve ever seen.

There was also no Maguire, in a team already thin on defenders.

Well, we all know what happened.

Olise, 12, Mateta, 40, Mitchell, 58, Olise, 66

Unless of course you happen to be a United fan, there’s nothing like Twitter when they’re getting battered. Everyone, everyone, is united (ironic!) in glee and it’s just a very convivial atmosphere.

Given the proportion of Liverpool and Arsenal fans I also follow, my timeline was pretty sprightly on Sunday too, when Liverpool found their form again, free from the shackles of pressure perhaps, and stuffed Spurs 4-2, a scoreline that perhaps reflects unfairly well on Spurs.

There wasn’t much to say about the rest of the weekend really. Arsenal got a good win against Bournemouth, with far less stress than the same fixture last year, but alas so did Man City against Wolves. Newcastle thumped Burnley 1-4, Luton Everton and Brentford Fulham were draws, Forest beat Sheffield United, Brighton finally won a game, beating tired Villa 1-0 and Chelsea continued their revenge tour after being ravaged by Arsenal, beating West Ham 5-0.

Which brings us to the Champions League.

I don’t normally write too much about Europe, mainly due to the day I send this out; it always feels like everything that needed to be said has been said, but today, it’s fresh and boy, it was exciting.

On Tuesday, Dortmund took a 1-0 lead to the Parc des Princes, a game which everyone assumed PSG would win easily. I have a great antipathy towards PSG. Their domination of Ligue 1 is so tedious, they’re a weird, often chaotic team that still always win the league (bar Lille of course!) and there’s always always some kind of toxic situation occurring. I don’t even think they’re that good.

But what do I know? I’m just a girl *twirls hair*

Actually, it turns out maybe I do know something, because they lost. They didn’t just fail to win the return leg, they lost. They dominated but they still lost to a Mats Hummels goal, before which he gave “suspicious dog” and then headed home.

Obviously I’m biased here because Dortmund are my guys, but you can’t help but love this outcome. The desperation for the Champions League that comes from PSG is such a massive ick and it’s very funny that with all the money and all the superstars in the world they still can’t do it. City have proven that you can buy success but it’s nice to see that sometimes, wealth still isn’t enough to fulfill your dreams.

The other delicious sidenote is that Jadon Sancho is now in a Champions League final. He’s happy, he’s playing, he’s playing well. We love this for him.

Dortmund’s win sealed one half of the final, but whither the second? Yes, it’s Real Madrid Bayern Munich time.

Of course, for the English, the biggest narrative thread here is Harry Kane. Would he finally manage to win trophies to go with his individual success and talent.

No.

First and foremost, I am a hater. It runs through my blood and it fuels me. So please bear that in mind when it comes to what follows.

For the longest time, I hated Real. For some reason, probably thirst, I decided I was going to have Barcelona as my Spanish team which also informed this. A foolish move really. They’re a grubby institution to be frank. And the fact is, I have no great love for Spanish football anyway, so these days I view it much like I view Ligue 1, with a shrug and no strong allegiances (though for as long as Hector is there, Betis will have a place in my heart).

This season is different though and it’s all down to Jude Bellingham. I love him so very much that I can’t help but want him to thrive. I also love Carlo, Vini Jr, Camavinga, Brahim, David Alaba, Fede Valverde, RUDIGER! And of course, to circle back, I am a hater, so I wanted Real to win.

It was another scruffy game where the woodwork played a massive part but it was also a lot of fun, the atmosphere was fantastic and there was plenty of drama.

Bayern scored first, a great goal from Alphonso Davies. Real huffed and puffed their way through the rest of the match, a correctly chalked off goal was scored and then they brought on Joselu. Yes, Newcastle United and Stoke City’s Joselu. And with just a few touches, he’d scored.

I confess, I was not paying a huge amount of attention at the end when the “offside” call was made. And yes, I want football to be fair and yet… and yet…

Anyway, after all that, HEJA BVB! 🖤💛

Half Time

I feel like maybe I should be lighthearted given that it’s a birthday edition but actually, I do have something to say on a serious subject.

Over the weekend, Darwin deleted every Liverpool related picture from his instagram after receiving abuse that extended to abuse against his family.

For a start, Liverpool won on Sunday. Spurs didn’t tear them apart or make Darwin look a fool, he didn’t miss an important match winning chance. And of course even if any of these things had occurred they are no excuse for abuse, especially not to a player’s family.

The way people think this is somehow OK, that it’s a fine way to express their anger and frustration. It’s not. It never has been and never will be. Players are people. Vinicius Jr cried in a press conference over the abuse he receives. Xhaka nearly left Arsenal because of it.

Criticism is part of the job when you’re a world famous sports person, or even when you’re just playing National League South in front of 100 people, but it should be restricted to criticism of their play and should never descend into vile threats or racism or anything more.

Anyway, I stand with any player who gets abused like this and we should all do more to try and stop this, whether it’s calling it out when we see it, reporting it or I dunno, it’s hard isn’t it, just, don’t fuckin do it?

Full Time

Here are some funnies from the past week or so :)

It took me nearly an entire season to like him but I did it, and so, in a very different but also somewhat related way, did he.

It was Mark Noble’s birthday yesterday, here are a couple of classics

Mats Hummels won MOTM in both legs of the UCL semi against PSG, and just posted this on his way back from Paris.

Drip of the Week

Despite being highly critical of capitalism and all the trouble it’s wrought, I am, I regret to say, also a huge sucker for a brand tie in. Mostly this involves wanting any kind of branded soft toy I can get my hands on; I’ve got a Ribenaberry, I had, long since lost to my eternal regret, a singing Lilt lady, I have Clarence, the Birds Eye polar bear (I ate a lot of fish fingers to get him). I could go on.

So you can imagine the strangled squeal of delight I did when I saw the Hummel JP x Kellogg’s collection. And I’m sure you can imagine the wail I let out when I went onto the site and found that most sizes, including my own, of the trainers were out of stock.

Which leaves me with putting them in this newsletter and sighing wistfully whenever I think about them. The shirts are pretty sweet too.

I also want to give a massive shout out to Eberechi Eze for this outstanding drip at the Palace end of year awards this week, it’s such a good look.

Thirst Trap

From Hummel, to Hummels.

I cannot believe I’ve been so neglectful, that this outrageously hot man who’s everything I love (tall, dark haired, bearded, German) hasn’t been a Thirst Trap so far. Three years and no Mats! WHAT?!

I am rectifying this now and having him as the special TWUTAB Third Anniversary Thirst Trap because god, look at him. Look. At. Him.

And that’s it for this, the Third Birthday issue of TWUTAB! Thank you all again for being here, for indulging my nonsense and for massaging my ego. It means a lot.

There won’t be a newsletter next week as I have an intensive three day course for my actual job which means I won’t be able to skulk around writing this instead of fiddling with a spreadsheet or sending emails, so that means the next time you hear from me we’ll know who’s won the Premier League and in the unlikely event that it’s Arsenal, I make no apology for what the content might be. (I think you’re safe but… who knows).

Have a great ten days or so, enjoy the sun if you have it, we don’t get enough D, so get out in it, and I’ll see you soon 😘