There’s Something About Mary
Kick Off
Yesterday it was the Women’s World Cup Final, after a month of incredible tournament shenanigans. Spain v. England. England, for once, the moral choice.
Alas, it wasn’t to be. Spain played fantastically and England blinked under the pressure. To have come this far though, given there were so many injuries and form going into the tournament was flat at best, is an amazing achievement. Hard to accept that yesterday in the eye of the storm, but now the dust has settled we can look objectively and know it was fantastic.
One thing is for certain though, we have a star in Mary Earps. Since she danced on the table after the Euros win it’s just been hit after hit from her. From her inspirational speech at the FIFA Awards, to her iconic FUCK OFFFFFFF! after saving Spain’s penalty.
As for what to say now the tournament is over, you know all the places to go, the people to read and those to listen to. May I also suggest you follow Studs, Huns FC, Match of the Gay Baller FC and Premier Lasses (to name but a few) on instagram and Twitter where applicable (they might be on those other sites too but I don’t care for them so you’ll have to find them yourselves if you use them).
If you’re new to something it can often be intimidating to go straight into the heavy stuff but I find meme pages to be an excellent gateway into learning more about a sport and for bringing it to a mass audience; for example I’ve been watching a lot of cricket this summer and no-one has done more for my knowledge of it than Daisy Cutter, it’s an important facet of any sport!
Over then to the men and their leagues of nonsense.
It was the turn of Serie A and the Bundesliga to join the fray this week so let’s start with them, Germany first I think.
The Bundesliga opened with Bayern away to Werder Bremen. They wore a very nice bright purple trimmed shirt and started Harry Kane. After their stumble in the Super Cup the previous weekend they cruised past Bremen with the scoring starting after four minutes and continuing right until the death with a goal on 90+4. Kane provided a goal and an assist proving that no matter how bewildered he seems to look at the moment, he’s still focused and performing.
Elsewhere Dortmund scraped past one of my other German faves FC Köln, 1-0 while Union and Stuttgart put a marker down winning 4-1 and 5-0 respectively. This puts Stuttgart at the top of the tree for Gameweek 1. Of course, because of Xhaka I now find myself obliged to see what Leverkusen are up to and was pleased to see his presence helped them to a 3-2 win over the evil that is RB Leipzig.
The biggest nonsense of the week however was Augsburg Gladbach which finished 4-4 after the award of a stoppage time penalty.
I accept that I rarely talk about the EFL but there were ridiculous scenes in League 2 as well between Hollywood Heroes Wrexham and my Hometown Heroes Swindon Town.
(By the way, the Austin who scored for Swindon is indeed the ultimate journeyman, Charlie Austin)
In Italy things began with a win for reigning champions Napoli, wins also for Inter, Juve and Atalanta, while Lazio fell to Lecce. Roma were held by Salernitana but it’s Fiorentina who sit top after beating Genoa 1-4. Milan are still to play and face Bologna away this evening.
In Spain, despite going behind after three minutes, Real Madrid came back to beat Almeria 1-3 with a brace from Jude Bellingham and the third from Vini Jr.
Bellingham has made an immediate impact and has proven that you can immediately justify your price tag and reputation and there’s really no necessity for you to get used to a new league or a new system.
(As you can see, Real also wore their spectacular away shirt which I lovelovelove)
I simply have no idea what’s going on in France, except that even the reintroduction of Kylian Mbappe couldn’t help PSG win their game on Saturday.
What was good to see was the French doing what the French do best, protesting.
Finally we come to the Premier League, at one of my hated times: Arsenal on Monday Night Football.
Monday Night Football doesn’t sit well with us and I hate being the last team to play. I like being first, and winning, so you have licence to go hog wild with the slander for the rest of the weekend. At least being in Europe is going to stop this happening for a while.
Anyway! 18 of the 20 teams have played and what a weekend it was.
Sheffield United played Forest on Friday night, a non-televised game that had been moved from 3pm on Saturday to accomodate the Hundred which was taking place at Trent Bridge. After looking like a nailed on draw, Chris Wood popped up late to win the game for Forest.
On Saturday we began with the 3pms, with the lunchtime game being moved for some reason (don’t tell me, I don’t care, it’s done now) to 8pm (City won).
While I don’t have any complaints about the games that were televised and did indeed manage to watch some of the 3pms, I do think the Premier League need to pull their fingers out in terms of the number of games that Brighton get televised.
They’ve scored eight goals so far this season, smashing their reputation as xG losers, and play refreshing, exciting football. This week they beat Wolves, who’d looked great, if wasteful, against United, 1-4 with goals from Estupiñán, Mitoma and a brace from Solly March.
Also at 3pm, Liverpool opened their home season at Anfield against Bournemouth, who did what Bournemouth do: getting an early goal, two in fact, with one being ruled offside.
For a while after that Liverpool were dreadful, Bournemouth could and should have taken advantage of this but they didn’t and this allowed Luis Diaz to score and sexy af bicycle kick to draw things level. This was followed by a Salah goal, which was in fact the rebound of a missed penalty, and a third from Jota in the second half.
The only blot on the landscape (well, one of many tbf if you speak to Liverpool fans who remain undefeated in being the most pessimistic fanbase I’ve ever come across) was the sending off of Alexis Mac Allister for a soft second yellow. As always conspiracy theories abounded but let’s be realistic, there’s no conspiracy, there’s simply no consistency because no matter how many checks and balances are put into place the decisions are always going to be ultimately made by a human and humans are fallible. We have good technology in sport, HawkEye, UltraEdge, goal line tech, even the semi automated offside checking we saw in the World Cup was good, but fouls can never be judged against strict black and white requirements because they themselves are the acts of irrational human beings being judged by irrational human beings. It doesn’t make any of it easier to swallow, especially not when you’re already going into something with a hot head and a set of strong biases, but that’s the way it is.
(I know, asking football fans to chill out and be circumspect is basically a Pyrrhic endeavour)
The 3pms also saw Brentford easily dispatch with Fulham, winning the West London derby 0-3.
At 5:30pm it was time for Spurs v United. A fixture, for an Arsenal fan, with no winners, but equally no losers. A debate arose among some fans about whether hating United more meant you were a true fan or not. I don’t know where this puts me however, as I will always hate Leicester more than any other club.
Either way, it’s often a fun fixture and this was no different. It could have gone either way but then Sarr scored early in the second half and from then on it was all Spurs. On the 83rd minute a cross from Perisic fell to Ben Davies whose shot was deflected by Lisandro Martinez. Licha! My poor sweet baby! But it was very funny! And then after the game Ben Davies posted this to his instagram and I for one was reduced to a puddle.
It was the first time Spurs have beaten United in three years, is that a sign of where their season is going to go? Of course, only time will tell but it’s certainly true to say that this is a much more fun and likeable Tottenham side than it has been for a while. Except Maddison. I hate James Maddison!
On Sunday, it was nice to relax in front of two, for me, entirely inconsequential games after the stress and disappointment of the Women’s World Cup.
We started at Villa Park with the quietly smokin Aston Villa (can we say it’s quiet anymore, now they’ve got Spanish hunk Pau Torres and Italian honey Nicolò Zaniolo?) and the beleaguered, already, Everton. After their thumping by Newcastle last week that also came with the loss of Tyrone Mings, Villa were looking to get back to the promise they showed last season.
And boy did they.
John McGinn opened the scoring after 18 minutes with a lovely goal. This was followed on 24 minutes by a fabulous penalty from Douglas Luiz. In the second half there were fantastic goals from Leon Bailey and, with his first touch more or less, Jhon Durán. A quartet of wonderful goals! There were few panics at the back and they looked strong and organised.
Of course, lads, this is Everton. But still, a commanding win at home is something to build on and will be a good springboard for the rest of the season.
The last Premier League game of the weekend came at the London Stadium where Chelsea travelled across London to meet with West Ham.
West Ham’s Lucas Paquetá was under a cloud after it was revealed he was being investigated for spot fixing after receiving a yellow card earlier this year. He still made the starting 11 however, along with new signing James Ward-Prowse.
After just seven minutes, West Ham took the lead via an Aguerd header as he connected with a, who else, JWP corner. 21 minutes later Chelsea equalised after Chukwuemaka weaved his way through the penalty area and smacked the ball past Areola.
Just before half time Chelsea were awarded a penalty after lumbering Frankenstein’s Monster Tomáš Souček fouled Raheem Sterling on the edge of the area. My beloved Enzo Fernández stepped up to take it, something I found confusing but exciting, not only is he my love, he was my FPL captain this week!
I cannot tell you how many times that appeared on my timeline yesterday, each time promoted, like, seriously Sky, please let me live! It was ultimately very funny but I do not want to see my boy humiliated like this!
After the break West Ham came back strong and Antonio scored a great goal just eight minutes in. Chelsea didn’t look horrific after that, they certainly had their moments, but none of these came via £80m signing Mykhailo Mudryk. I like the kid and feel bad for him; he’s cute and he’s fast as fuck but something isn’t right, whether it be his overall confidence, an inability to adjust to the Premier League or simply that he just isn’t as good as was thought. It’s certainly not a unique thought but Arsenal did well to allow ourselves to be gazumped by Chelsea for him, who now have him locked in for eight more years.
And while it’s fair to say Chelsea didn’t look horrific, let’s not forget they were playing against 10 men, after Aguerd was dispatched for a second yellow. Yes, “it’s hard to play against ten men” but I think Chelsea fans, players and staff would expect more from them against a depleted side that were the only London club to finish below them last year.
Sadly for Chelsea, hilariously for the rest of us, it wasn’t to be, and the Narrative Gods decided to stir the pot as well, making Caicedo foul Emerson which lead to a penalty for West Ham, which was taken by… Paquetá
All of which leaves Brighton on top and Everton bottom, with Chelsea languishing in 15th, none of which really matters after two games, but it is nice to have momentum. A win for Arsenal will put us in the Top 3 but as always, and especially when it’s MNF and MNF against Palace, I am not confident. I’m hoping our away shirt will dazzle them into submission.
And that’s your roundup done!
Half Time
CN: discussion of sexual assault and VAWG
Just before the pandemic began, my boss left. He hadn’t been in the job long, wasn’t very good at it, and while we got on to a certain extent, there was no real relationship there and it was frankly a relief he was going.
On his last day he got up to leave, early, as leavers always do (they have to turn in their pass mid afternoon usually) and say goodbye to me. He then said “I know I shouldn’t do this” and grabbed me and kissed me on the cheek.
It was horrible. It made me feel really gross and I thought about it for days and every time I had the same unpleasant reaction.
Now imagine the kiss is on the lips and in front of millions of people, during the celebrations of a career high, and it then gets plastered all over social media, as well as your reaction to it, for everyone to comment on.
That’s what happened to Spain’s Jenni Hermoso when Luis Rubiales decided to kiss her on the podium while she was collecting her World Cup Winners medal. He later entered the changing room and claimed he was going to take the team to Las Vegas where he’d marry her.
After the week we’ve had in football, with all the revelations about how Manchester United have been handling the Mason Greenwood situation, and then the news of a 70 page complaint of domestic abuse against Antony, not to mention the tainted win of Spain as it was, it was the rotten cherry on top of a particularly hard to swallow cake.
How do we stop this kind of thing going forward? It’s almost impossible to come up with a solution. We find, in life not just in football, that we can talk softly, we can shout, we can fight back physically but still men don’t listen. Legal routes are next to useless. Money is king.
And I worry, I worry all the time that this is boring, that it’s making me off putting, a scold, a harridan. That’s how twisted this whole situation is, that someone who is definitely in the right, I know I am, can be more worried about their actions than the men perpetrating the abuse. So I won’t shut up. I won’t just accept it happening.
So, if you’re able to make a financial donation, why not donate to my fundraising page!
While googling links to put in this piece I came across this challenge and decided to put my (your) money where my mouth is.
I am notoriously lazy so believe me this will be a big challenge, but if I know I’ve got support and I’m doing it for a good cause, hopefully this will push me to reach the target!
Full Time
As mentioned above it’s been a terrible week for Manchester United as they continued to stumble their way towards making a decision on Mason Greenwood’s return, or not, to the first team (something which has been done whilst I was editing). It’s definitely not for everyone but if you do want to do some reading on it then Adam Crafton has been doing exemplary work over at the Athletic.
Bruno Guimarães is never escaping the soft boi allegations
Richarlison and Sarr are all our younger siblings on a long car journey. (Porro is us, trying to talk to them)
Barcelona’s graphic designer must be stopped.
José Mourinho entered the Diary Room to express his thoughts on Roma’s upcoming fixture against Salernitana.
Hibs play Villa in the UECL qualifiers next week
The Crystal Palace media team outdid themselves after Michael Olise snubbed a Chelsea advance to pen a new contract.
Wagatha Christie will never be topped
Mudryk’s cat remains undefeated and, as I discovered this week, has his own highlight on Mykhailo’s insta
Shirt of the Week
On first glance I turned my nose up at this shirt, then I looked again, then I watched the game yesterday and hoo boy. I absolutely adore it now. Hello Juventus’ third shirt. A gorgeous charcoal with lighter grey stripes and white details. The woolly looking cuff is such a delicious touch and while I don’t like the button on the collar it blends in enough to not be too offensive. An all round great shirt.
It features on my European Shirt Review which you may want to take a look at. As with the Premier League it’s not an especially vintage year but there are some standouts.
I also have, have, to shout out my club’s third kit launch. As a pal posted “Arsenal have released their third kit and the whole timeline is horny”. And frankly, can you blame us?
Thirst Trap
This week’s Thirst Trap is one of the stars of the Women’s World Cup, Zećira Mušović.
She’s feisty, a goalie (my catnip) and just really beautiful in a slightly Nigella-esque way. (I also saw someone on Twitter say she looked like Big Suze from Peep Show which is fair). Extremely unfair of Chelsea to always have hot goalies (Mendy, Kepa, Mušović and now Sanchez).
That’s all for this week! A long one but a good one I hope? Remember you can sign up as a paid subscriber whenever you want or I still have an active KoFi if a small, one-off donation is more your style. (Apologies for asking for money twice in this email, I feel like Hannah Ingram-Moore).
Enjoy your weeks, enjoy your comedowns from the WWC and see you next Monday! Or Tuesday, it’s a Bank Holiday so might be delayed :) Until then! 👋🏼